What if I was Wrong?

I am coming to the realization that I may have been wrong -- dead wrong.  For the last four years even.  Maybe I was stupid to interpret it as God saying "do what you want and trust I will be with you."  Maybe that, among other things, were my own projections of what I wanted to hear.  Perhaps I have never actually ever heard or understood God and it has always been my own self projections of what I wanted God to say.  At this point in my life it is certainly feeling that way.  Everything (or at least all the biggest things) that I have thought to have been messages from God have turned or to be wrong, or at least appear to be.  With so many things going not the way I want them too or think they should I can't help but wonder if everything I ever knew of God was wrong.  I thought I had a pretty good understanding and ability to discern what He was saying.  Now, I have no idea.  The major parts of my life that were suppose to be oh so God given have blown up in my face in difficulties beyond anything I ever imagined.  I can't see what the future of my life will be right now.  Where will I be in 10 years? 5 years?  Heck, I can't even think of where I will be or where I want to be in 7 months.  I thought that I was trusting that whatever I did all I had to do was trust that God was going to be with me.  I thought I was being allowed to make a choice based on my trust.  Now however, I can't help but think that was just a projection of what I wanted to hear or what I wanted to believe.  Maybe God had a different plan for me that  wasn't exactly what I wanted to do but was close to what I wanted to do.  So instead of doing exactly what God wanted me to do I justified only doing partially what God wanted me to do thinking that what I wanted was what God wanted.  This may sound selfish, but it really wasn't ever a selfish thing or justifying exactly what I wanted to do.  I truly believed that I was doing what God wanted, but now I can't help but think maybe I was projecting what I wanted onto God.  There is always the chance that I am over thinking all this, but I really don't know right now.  Things are pretty falling apart right now.  (Not proper English sentence I know, but whatever).  I thought I knew how to hear God, but now I am beginning to wonder if I have ever actually heard Him at all.

Been Over a Month

Well readers, it has been over a month since I last wrote something up.  Partially I have been busy with this new semester.  And partially I have been dealing with life.  Lots of changes, realizations and problems.  Its hard to think that in only six months I will be graduating and moving on with "real" life.  A good question now is where am I going and what am I doing.  My answer is simple -- God will provide, and God will direct.  He hasn't failed before, and he has answered my requests in the past.  I have little reason to doubt his answers.  I can't think of anything major to write about right now so I am just going to dig up something that I've been carrying around for a while.  Take a look at Proverbs 24:1-22, and here I will share my thoughts:

Proverbs 24

1 Do not envy wicked men,
do not desire their company;

This is an interesting warning.  I feel like this is something that every Christian deals with at one point or another.  How often do evil things look nice or pleasing.  To take it a step farther into the extreme, how often do we think about life being easier on the other side?  I know that I have thought in the past that being a non-Christian would be easier.  I could live life serving myself, looking out for myself, and taking care of myself.  Without God, there is no reason to not be selfish.  Why would I care about anyone or the way anyone felt as long as I was happy and getting what I want.  Without Christ's example to guide and direct my life, I believe that I would be a truly terrible person.

2 for their hearts plot violence,
and their lips talk about making trouble.

3 By wisdom a house is built,
and through understanding it is established;

4 through knowledge its rooms are filled
with rare and beautiful treasures.

5 A wise man has great power,
and a man of knowledge increases strength;

6 for waging war you need guidance,
and for victory many advisers.

7 Wisdom is too high for a fool;
in the assembly at the gate he has nothing to say.

8 He who plots evil
will be known as a schemer.

9 The schemes of folly are sin,
and men detest a mocker.

10 If you falter in times of trouble,
how small is your strength!

Whoa! Check out verse 10.  This is one of those spiritual punches in the face.  How many times in my life have I faltered in times of trouble?  Yes, I can think of times that I was able to stand in the confidence of the Lord, but how many times have I faltered or wavered?  It hurts a little to think about things like this.

11 Rescue those being led away to death;
hold back those staggering toward slaughter.

12 If you say, "But we knew nothing about this,"
does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?

13 Eat honey, my son, for it is good;
honey from the comb is sweet to your taste.

14 Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul;
if you find it, there is a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.

15 Do not lie in wait like an outlaw against a righteous man's house,
do not raid his dwelling place;

16 for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again,
 but the wicked are brought down by calamity.

Here is a small amount of reassurance after verse 10.  A righteous man rises again.  I pray that this is something that is seen in me.  When others see me fall or struggle, what joy it would be for them to think or say "There is a truly righteous man.  He falls, and fails, yet after is able to stand up again in the Lord's grace and mercy."

 17 Do not gloat when your enemy falls;
when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice,

18 or the LORD will see and disapprove
and turn his wrath away from him.

Oh Proverbs, you never fail at providing wisdom.  What a hard thing this is.  Sometimes we feel that people get what they deserve.  Perhaps we even wish some kind of doom upon someone.  How difficult it can be to not take a small amount of pleasure from an enemy's misfortune.  God is just, but I don't think this means that I am suppose to rejoice when God's delivers judgment against an unkind person.  I suppose that it is ok to thank God for His judgment, but we should definitely be careful.

19 Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of the wicked,

20 for the evil man has no future hope,
and the lamp of the wicked will be snuffed out.

21 Fear the LORD and the king, my son,
and do not join with the rebellious,

22 for those two will send sudden destruction upon them,
and who knows what calamities they can bring?

My ending thoughts focus on the being envious of the wicked.  I find it to be difficult sometimes to not want what the world has.  I know that I am called to a higher calling; that I am supposed to be in the world not of the world.  Being a follower of Jesus does not mean that I lose my desires for earthly pleasures and earthly fun.  When I see people enjoying life in their way I can't help but wonder what their joy feels like.  I know first hand that there is a difference between earthly joy and the joy that comes from God.  There was a time in my life that I feel like God truly allowed me to experience the life on a non-Christian.  I have known the Lord for essentially my entire life.  I have never known what it would really be like to live without that sense of hope.  However, for a brief time in my life I was traveling down a bad path.  After walking this bad path for some time, I believe God had enough.  It was as if he was stepping back from me saying "Fine, you want to know what its like to have worldly joy? Here.  I will step aside for a time."  And God did.  Let me tell you it was the strangest and most awkward couple of weeks of my entire life.  It was an incredible time of growth for me, but also one of the scariest feelings I ever faced.  I knew what it was like to not have the hope, joy, and peace that  God brings to our lives.  I knew exactly how it felt to live without God.  For those of you who are like me and have been Christians your entire lives; let me assure you, it is a terrible feeling.  I have never experienced a sense of emptiness and hopelessness that I felt those few weeks.  I could find happiness, sure.  But there was an ever present feeling of purposelessness, and hopelessness.  After just a few days I prayed to the Lord for forgiveness and begged for "Him" back, but God said "Wait."  I couldn't understand.  My whole life God had been there, he was my pal, my buddy, my right hand man, but not anymore.  God was stepping back and showing me what it was like to live life without the Holy Spirit I think.  Instead of filling me when I first asked he made me wait.  I think God wanted me to really understand what it was like to live life set apart from him.

It is truly foolish to be jealous of the world and of worldly people.  However, I believe that everyone is foolish at some point in our life.  We all make bad stupid spur of the moment decisions that bring us pain, regret, and remorse in the end.  Sometimes we even do things knowing full well how we will feel after.  How is it that we possess the ability to set God completely aside and do what we want?  Sure God will forgive us, but it has to be the hardest thing to forgive someone that intentionally pushed you aside so that you could enjoy a brief moment alone.  Ah, just another reason that I am glad that God is God, and that I am not.

Thanks for reading, I hope that you enjoyed it and gained a little something from it -- as always.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zachary Haas