Who is God to Me: Part 2 -- God as a lover

RELATED POST: Who is God to ME?

If you look back at one of my earlier posts you will notice that I asked myself the question "Who is God to me?"  I then went on to discuss some of the characters that make up God and how they relate to me.  Recently, in a conversation with nearly a complete stranger, an interesting concept was brought up.  She mentioned the idea of God as a lover.  This isn't the first time I have thought of something like this, but never thought of it as that word.  To be completely honest, when she first mentioned it I was caught off guard.  God? A lover?  The thought at first was awkward, but I quickly remembered the Bible.  The Bible mentions numerous places that the church is the bride of Christ (among similar notions).  For a reference to such places check out this website: http://www.jimfeeney.org/brideofchrist.html.

The first thing that made me think of the concept of God as a lover was something I heard in class or chapel.  I thought about people and facebook, and how these things could relate to God.  One of the first things I think of when I think of facebook is addiction and obsession.  However, though it is a bit awkward, I then thought of facebook stalking.  I feel if we were all honest with each other we would admit to a bit of facebook stalking at one point or another.  Think about it, who hasn't spent time looking at a guy or girls page for no reason other than they thought they liked them?  Have you ever been dating someone and then checked everything they did on facebook?  Not in a creepy or possessive way, but in a curious, cute, wanting to know them as best as possible kind of way?  Do you see where I am going?

I think if Jesus had a facebook he would want us to stalk him.  He wants us to dig into everything we can about him.  Is it a bad idea to know how Jesus is working in our friends lives, or even strangers lives?  Shouldn't we seek to know him better in every single way?  Would it really be that bad to stalk Jesus if we define stalking to be pursuing closely, following intently, desiring to know everything about, and/or obsessing over?  I think that we should.  Some people take facebook stalking to an unhealthy level of obsession and I am obviously not recommending this or encouraging it.  However, people sometimes think they love someone and then become obsessed with this "love" and unhealthily become stalkers.  Stalking a person out of love will only bring an insatiable desire for more.  However, "stalking" Jesus should only satisfy and cause a healthy hunger for more.  I know that the use of the term stalking is often negative, but I hope that you are seeing the conclusion that I am trying to make.  It makes perfects sense to me, but trying to get others to see conclusions that I have discovered is something I sometimes struggle with.

The point being, we should pursue God with the same (or more) vigilance that we do other things in our lives.  We spend every waking minute pursuing things that we love.  Some examples of things people love are: research, books, video games, music, movies, relationships, and adventure.  When we love something we have an unquenchable desire for more.  However, the problem I see is that we love things other than God.  We place God lower in our list of desires.  People who stalk people on facebook want to learn and know everything they can about a particular person.  If stalking Jesus means wanting to learn and know everything about Him, I see this as nothing but positive and wholesome.  (Ok, I realize that we need to do something with the things we learn from "stalking" Jesus, but thats a different topic, and one must start a craving Jesus first)

Hopefully you have followed me thus far with little to no confusion in the end.

Anyway, I realize that I have never been married or had a lover.  However, I have dated, and in some perhaps minuscule way this is a taste of what a lover would be.  I know that when you really like someone (at least you think) you want to spend as much time with them as possible.  Your desire to be with them becomes your greatest desire.  This is what it would be like to have Jesus/God as a lover.  God IS with us every single moment, but we are not always with Him.  Seeing God as a lover kind of puts a light into many situations.  As a matter of fact, until God is accept and seen as a lover, I am not sure humans have any right to get married.  How can we expect to be a good lover with another human if we are incapable of being a lover with the perfect Almighty?  After all, God created love, God is love, and only through Him can we ever hope to truly love.  After seeing that God is the perfect lover, and that we can be his lover, should we consider attempting to be a lover with someone else.

Another interesting thing I found was from the book Desire, by John Eldredge.  I have yet to read the book but found this from someone's facebook status a week ago. (thanks!)

"God creates mankind for intimacy with himself, as his beloved. We see it right at the start, when he gives us the highest freedom of all-the freedom to reject him. The reason is obvious: love is possible only when it is freely chosen. True love is never constrained; our hearts cannot be taken by force. So God sets out to woo his beloved..." 

Wow.  I think that basically summed it up for me when I first saw that.  After having thought about God being a lover over break, my realizations with facebook stalking, and then this status I knew that God as a lover was a great way to view Him.  This is just one more way that we can view the entire person of God.  For me, God as a lover is a challenging thing because like any relationship it is a commitment.  A commitment with God goes beyond a lifetime commitment, its eternal.  How much more important is this commitment than any one I could make with a human under the title "lover"?

1 John 4:19 says "We love because he first loved us."  My challenge this time is to consider this: God is already committed to me as being a lover, have I accepted this; do I desire to be God's lover and have Him be mine?  Personally, I choose yes, no matter the consequence, no matter the commitment, and no matter the sacrifice.  This simply means that I have to submit to God and accept Him as all His other persons as well.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
Zach Haas

God Give Me. . . (Dear God 3)

Dear God,

Give me the strength to be what you need me to be.  Empower me beyond what I know is possible.  Grant me the words to speak, the letters to write, and the wisdom to do it in truth.  Help me to become what you want me to be.  Give me Jesus.  Make me like Jesus.  Help me to love, share, care, and serve like Jesus.  God help my friends to do the same.  Help me to influence those around me to become genuine, by making me genuine.  Give me the ability to live like Christians are supposed to.  Bless me with an ability to love beyond what I am capable of.  Genuineness  is what I need God.  Nothing I ever do will matter, not I ever do will stick, and nothing I ever do will sink if if I lack this trait.  Help me to live out every action of my life for you with integrity, without judging, without preference and without prejudice.  Give me a heart that only you can bestow.  Create in me a person that I could never hope to create myself.  Make me you, God.  Make me Jesus.  Here I am, Lord, prepare me, feed me, build me, strengthen me, impassion me, use me, send me.  Father, I need you, before I can ever truly be me.

Your son,
Zachary

It's Everywhere Lately

So during the past few weeks or less I have been coming across a similar concept.  It's an interesting concept that has been following me around lately.  It has come in different words and forms, but the best word I can use to describe it is 'influence.'  I actually talked about this a little bit in a recent post. Due to the amount of times this has recently come up in my life I have decided to write about it.

Right now the word influence has been coming to me in the form of a challenge.  The places I have found the concept are: church, chapel, class, a book I read for a class, and maybe from a professor.  Each place may have talked about it differently but the idea was still the same -- how am I influence other people, and what are they seeing in me?  How am I reflecting God?

This concept has really be challenging my character and my thoughts.  I am not really sure what to do about it.  For the most part I am a pretty strange, and ridiculous guy.  I probably influence people to be stranger and more ridiculous when they are with me.  Am I reflecting that God is strange and ridiculous?  I hope that this absurdly not so.  I haven't felt guilty or convicted in anything that I am doing to influence people, but I wonder if something is missing.

One of the things that I really envy in some people is their ability to encourage.  I am a terrible encourager.  You have got to be really needing encouragement if you are coming to me.  I can lift your spirits and help you fell better, but I am not likely going to encourage or congratulate you.  My personality just doesn't give praise and encouragement to people very well.  Encouragement is a spiritual gift, one that I fully accept I do not have.  People who have the gift of encouragement are amazing, but I hope they realizing they are working my shift as well in that area.  The point is, sometimes I worry that my inability to encourage is a personality turn-off to people.  I feel like people who are gifted with encouragement are easily seen as a positive influence.

I want to be a good influence for people.  I want to be someone that is seen as godly.  If my goal is to glow, then I believe reflecting God is precisely how to do it.  I am just a little lost with the whole concept of my influence and what people see on me.  At church they called is "Swag."  Perhaps one way to think of it is spiritually clothing.  How can I dress in clothing that will reflect God and have a positive influence on others.  I struggle with negativity.  Though, most of the time my negativity and complaints are unwarranted, over exaggerated, and/or for show, I think sometimes they rub off on people in the wrong way.  In an attempt to make light of a less than optimal situation, I cause people to feel less than optimal.  Trying to always be positive is something that I do internally and not externally.  I used to actually think of myself as mostly optimistic.  I know too many people that would describe me as anything as an optimist.  It is ok to be pessimistic sometimes, but I probably take that too far.  Sarcasm is a vile thing when used too much, as is pessimism, and complaining.

When people think of me I don't think they think exactly what I want them to think.  If I had to describe myself in one sentence from another persons perspective, it would probably be something like "Zach Haas is an often negative, weird person who complains about everything -- he's funny, but he hates everything"  Yuck.  I think that somewhere along the line I learned that negativity and complaining can be funny.  Using a similar structure I think that I wanted people to think "Zach Haas is a pretty funny guy, he always has some ridiculous problem or story to talk about -- he makes me laugh with his weirdness."  If I were to give these two sentences describing myself to my friends I think most would pick the second, but I can't help but think they really mean the first.

I believe God created humor.  I believe God loves humor.  To me, nothing in the world is as good as making someone laugh.  Seeing someone smile and hearing them laugh because of me fills me up more than anything.  I'd do anything for a laugh, which unfortunately leads to things occasionally going to far or not funny.  Nothing is worse than trying to be funny and failing.  Well, there is one thing worse, being funny one minute and offensive the next.  Thats the worst.  The bad things are what are kept and remembered most, the good is all too often forgotten.  Is the influence I am leaving with people good or bad?

We are called to be like God and like Jesus.  I don't know if it's just me, but this seems like a very vague idea.  What exactly does it mean to be like Jesus?  Does it mean walk around in robes, grow a beard, tell parables, heal people, and walk on water?  I don't think so.  I think that we are simply supposed to try and live blameless like Jesus.  Then what is blameless?  Not sinning.  What is sin?  Not following God's commands. What are God's commands?  We want specifics, but God gave us a book of commands we break daily.  How can we get more details when we fail to focus on what has been given to us in the first place.

I feel like I just got somewhere.  In case you haven't figured it out, this post was more impromptu that normal.  Most my posts are pretty impromptu, but this one was really just me thinking in writing format, kinda like a devotional "the tables open God" time.  Anyway, perhaps you haven't been following the disorganization of this post, but thats ok.  I think that I have come to some conclusion for myself.

Conclusion:  I have been thinking and perhaps even worrying about my influence and "appearance" (appearance in the way that people see God reflecting from me, not trying to look good and show off to people) to others.  I have also been trying to figure out if there is something that I have been doing wrong or something I could do differently.  It has almost been bothering me and the more I hear it from places the more I think about it.  Then it hit me while I was writing the paragraph about being like Jesus.  My devotional life sucks right now.  Beyond occasional focused prayer (I pray constantly throughout most days, but thats different and not special dedicated time to God), I haven't done much at all.  To try and think of the last time I read the Bible just to read it, is too depressing.  I do more Bible searching and studying than just time dedicated to God and reading.  Why shouldn't I be worried about influence, my reflection, my "Swag", when I am not getting enough influence from God myself?  It's all starting to make more sense to me now.  I need to work on my devotional life.  Period. And then see how things change.

My challenge for this post is to check yourself.  How are you influencing people?  How are you reflecting God?  How is your devotional life?  Perhaps you should make some changes to.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zach Haas

Sunday, God's House, Frisbee

I am a pretty big fan of Sundays.  I love them.  First, I get to go to church.  As a younger kid I never thought that I would learn to actually look forward to going to church every Sunday.  But now, Sunday mornings are my favorite part of the week.  I currently attend God's House out here and Marion and I love it.  It is a VERY different and somewhat unconventional church, but it's one of the most real churches I have ever been to.  It mainly consists of college students with a few Sundays having a heavy adult populace.  I just really like how there is nothing to hide and how they are so open.  Do I think that sometimes they take things a little too far? Well maybe.  Especially when they throw together their random conversations after the service is technically over.  At times they may be a little risqué even for me.  Nonetheless, I always feel inspired and like I got something from the service.  This is actually the start of this post.  God's house today.

 Last week Pastor Ryan started a series that he called "Swag".  I think the idea behind the word is recognizing who you are and what you reflect to others.  I believe it is somewhere along the lines of walking to walk.  Todays definition of Swag was "How I live that illuminates God.  Who I am that says who God is."  This is certainly an interesting thing to think about.  What about me reflect God?  And is that thing about me reflecting God well?  Anyone who has ever spent time with me can see that I love to spread joy.  I love to make people laugh at whatever expense.  Yes, this occasionally gets taken too far, but I love being silly to get a positive reaction from people.  I think this is a positive way to reflect God.  Perhaps I like the word "illuminate" that was used -- kinda reminds me of glowing.  How do I glow in a way that people see God on me/through me?  Pastor Ryan claims to have invented the Platinum rule: Do unto others as it they were you.  An interesting change to the Golden Rule, and a good place to start.  Philippians 2:14-16 (Actually, just the very end of verse 15) was used in the sermon.

 14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”[a] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky 16 as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.

Yeouch.  Kinda wish that I didn't look up the verse, could have really done without verse 14.  Looks like I still have some serious work to do there.  What an incredible challenge for many of us.  But don't stop at 14!  Observe the rewards!  The part about shining like starts was the part on the sermon notes, and what a reward.  I would fully enjoy having a "Swag" that shone like the stars.  Along the same lines and another part of the sermon was Jesus turning over the tables in the temple.  At first you may wonder what these things have in common.  The challenge posed to the congregation was to consider what tables we would turn over.  We are defined by the tables we turn over.  Its interesting to think that there are things as Christians that SHOULD make us angry.  Jesus himself was angry.  What parts of the world make us angry?  What parts should make us angry?  These things can be different for everyone.  For me one of the things that makes me angry are youth groups that provide dry shallow messages every week.  There is nothing to learn from the same stale simple message if you are a stronger Christian.  There are some people that might need the simple "Jesus Loves You" message, but why not just challenge the spiritually young with the spiritual best?  Why not set the bar high?  This is one of the reasons that I have consider doing something in youth ministry.  To bring seriousness and depth to "easy going" youth groups.  That would be one of my primary goals as a youth leader.  Inspire to be the best, to take steps of faith and not just hop up and down in the same safe, comfortable spot.  This is my table to turn, what is yours?

 The second thing that I like about Sundays is that I often get the opportunity to play Frisbee with some great people.  There is nothing like playing Frisbee with a bunch of Christians.  Sometimes the games get a little serious or intense, but most the time it is some great Christian fellowship with some safe competition.  The group is completely open to everyone no matter the age or skill level.  I have seen kids around age 10 play with us weekly to an occasional guy probably near 30 playing.  These games are something that I will greatly miss after my time at IWU is over.  This type of community is not something that is found everywhere.  Another thing that I really enjoy about Frisbee is that I am pretty good at it.  I am not the best, but I feel like I look pretty good most the time out there and it provides a healthy humble amount of confidence.

The one thing that I don't like about Sundays is Monday being the next day.  There is nothing inherently wrong with Monday, but I never have my homework done on time.  I always find myself staying up really late to finish some kind of work I put off all weekend.  Not this week though.  I was done with my assignments before midnight, and I even managed to get ahead in a few classes on Saturday.  I am weeks behind on my senior project, but that will come.  For right now, life is all right.  Could always be better, but could always be worse.  I am content.  Especially when I get to start off with a good message Sunday mornings.  Sunday, my favorite day of the week.

My challenge this time is to encourage people to think about what makes them angry.  Angry in a spiritual way, angry in a way to inspire action.  The greatest enemy to "Swag" is passivity, and passivity is fed by excuses.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
Zach Haas

So where now?

For anyone that was slightly concerned after my last post, let me explain that life has slowed downed a little -- sorta.  At least I am able to get to a place in my head that isn't quite as "upset" with God.  You can probably use any version of upset you want.

Allow me to be real for a moment.  In the past month I have been very angry with God.  Angry to the point where I would use the word livid.  I wonder (and am fairly certain) if others have ever been that upset with God.  If we are honest with ourselves, how many of us have been so angry with God we didn't know what to do or think?  I can honestly say that I was so angry with God I would have yelled at Him in the face.  I know there are times in the Bible where people have complained to God and argued and debated with God, but I can't recall at any point someone actually yelling at God out of anger and frustration.  Point being, I am sure I am not the only one who has been furious with God.

Heres an interesting thing about me though, that almost causes me to believe in the once saved almost saved principle.  I think that I may be blessed with the spiritual gift of faith, or at least belief.  There is nothing that can happen in my life that will ever cause me to doubt that God exists and that he is there.  Not even being so angry that I would have probably gotten into a fist fight with Him.  (Interestingly enough, Jacob did in fact wrestle with God in some kind of physical manner).  No, I have never been able to convince myself that God is not real and that God is not there.  To some people this might sound like an amazing thing to have such faith.  However, let me re-inform everyone that Satan himself and all demons have COMPLETELY unshakable belief that God exists.  Yes, at times it is great to have faith in God in all circumstances no matter what, but let me tell you it is the exact opposite when you are angry with God.  Having unshakable belief that God can do anything in His all powerful awesomeness only feeds anger when you are pleading with Him for direction.  Thus when I am trying to figure out what God is doing and why in my life during the hard times, this faith can actually be difficult to work with.

That said, I have managed to work through at least some of the issues I was dealing with at the time of my last post.  I still don't have nearly everything answered, and actually have a few new interesting questions to think about, but none of which are as stressful as the ones of the past.  One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is not knowing how to do something.  Generally this applies to school work and academia.  I'm not talking about things that I can learn, I am talking about things that I can't figure out no matter how many hours I spend on them.  Things like this are the most discouraging, frustrating things that I ever deal with in life.  Not knowing how to do things brings me down to a level that nothing else can.  Not making progress on something after a long time depresses me in unimaginable ways.  This is what was weighing me down at my last post.

As I mentioned, I have moved on from the last post.  However, now I find myself and a new and curios life position.  Recently I had to register for classes, which of course is never easy of fun.  Well, this time I wanted to take a class in a major that I wasn't a part of and ended up having to talk to the chair of the department -- a Dr. Steve Lennox.  During our brief conversation I was able to finally talk to someone who would listen to what I might want to do with my life, and have the ability to respond in a useful way.  But I was challenged with something completely new.  I told him that the reason I wanted to take the class was because I was thinking of maybe coming back to get a minor in youth ministry.  To my surprise he asked me why I would "waste" my time doing that -- when I could just go to seminary and get a masters!  I told him that I thought you had to have a degree in ministry to do that he said no, all you need is a bachelors degree in anything.  Most of my mature(er) thinking life I have questioned the idea of working in a youth group in some form.  Unknown to probably anyone, this is actually part of the reason I came  to IWU.  I considered majoring in Youth Ministries in the first place, but felt as though God was telling me that I was allowed to make a decision and trust that He would be with me no matter what.  (This is something else I was seriously struggling with last post when I was hating my major classes).  I have never wanted to make Youth Pastoring my career.  I wanted to do it voluntarily as my ministry to God.  This obviously meant that I needed to make money somehow, and thats where Computer Science came in.  I don't know if a day has gone by that I have wondered if I made the right decision but I was trusting God.  Some people seem to have a problem with my aspirations.  They say things like you can't work in a ministry and not make it your full time career.  These people are naive and need to grow up, get a life, and leave their little bubble because you have a HUGE chunk of reality coming your way.  I know plenty of people that have become ministry leaders with NO training.  As a matter of fact, one of my life role models was my first youth pastor who had no real training in doing what he did.  Also, plenty of small churches do not hire people to work in their ministry and run solely on volunteers.

Anyway, after that little rant, what I am getting at is that I am at a very interesting point in my life.  I graduate in one semester and there are another number of roads to take.  Dr. Lennox told me that the question I need to think about now is whether or not I am called to youth ministry because if I am then nothing else will suffice, but if I am not then it will not work out.  I will have to commit a lot of prayer to this for sure.  Going to seminary was never something that I seriously thought about, but when he brought it up I couldn't help but become curious.  I could still come back and just get a minor in youth ministries as well, but he said that would actually be more expensive.  These are a couple of new things in my life that I need to think about for sure.  I know right now, the Youth Ministry class I am in right now, Youth Evangelism and Discipleship, has been one of my favorite, most inspiring, and motivating classes I have ever taken at college.  I can't help but think that this might mean something as well.

So, if you read all this I think that you should pray that God makes clear what the steps are that I should take.  I will be praying about this a lot.  Choosing to pursue ministry will mean a lot of changes in my life and will change probably a lot of my friendships.  These things are not things that bother me if I am certain God wants me to go there.  I think this decision might be a little bigger than trusting that God will be with me no matter what.  I think this one requires a little direction.  So with that, feel free to pray for me in this issue.  And thanks for reading.

My challenge to you is to pray honestly.  If you truly feel like I'm crazy for thinking that ministry is a direction I should take, then don't pray otherwise.  But if you think that I might be good at something like this, then pray indeed, and feel free to encourage me in this is well, support from others in a call to ministry is a big deal -- Dr. Lennox said that is a good sign, if people think you might be good at it.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
Zach Haas

What if I was Wrong?

I am coming to the realization that I may have been wrong -- dead wrong.  For the last four years even.  Maybe I was stupid to interpret it as God saying "do what you want and trust I will be with you."  Maybe that, among other things, were my own projections of what I wanted to hear.  Perhaps I have never actually ever heard or understood God and it has always been my own self projections of what I wanted God to say.  At this point in my life it is certainly feeling that way.  Everything (or at least all the biggest things) that I have thought to have been messages from God have turned or to be wrong, or at least appear to be.  With so many things going not the way I want them too or think they should I can't help but wonder if everything I ever knew of God was wrong.  I thought I had a pretty good understanding and ability to discern what He was saying.  Now, I have no idea.  The major parts of my life that were suppose to be oh so God given have blown up in my face in difficulties beyond anything I ever imagined.  I can't see what the future of my life will be right now.  Where will I be in 10 years? 5 years?  Heck, I can't even think of where I will be or where I want to be in 7 months.  I thought that I was trusting that whatever I did all I had to do was trust that God was going to be with me.  I thought I was being allowed to make a choice based on my trust.  Now however, I can't help but think that was just a projection of what I wanted to hear or what I wanted to believe.  Maybe God had a different plan for me that  wasn't exactly what I wanted to do but was close to what I wanted to do.  So instead of doing exactly what God wanted me to do I justified only doing partially what God wanted me to do thinking that what I wanted was what God wanted.  This may sound selfish, but it really wasn't ever a selfish thing or justifying exactly what I wanted to do.  I truly believed that I was doing what God wanted, but now I can't help but think maybe I was projecting what I wanted onto God.  There is always the chance that I am over thinking all this, but I really don't know right now.  Things are pretty falling apart right now.  (Not proper English sentence I know, but whatever).  I thought I knew how to hear God, but now I am beginning to wonder if I have ever actually heard Him at all.

Been Over a Month

Well readers, it has been over a month since I last wrote something up.  Partially I have been busy with this new semester.  And partially I have been dealing with life.  Lots of changes, realizations and problems.  Its hard to think that in only six months I will be graduating and moving on with "real" life.  A good question now is where am I going and what am I doing.  My answer is simple -- God will provide, and God will direct.  He hasn't failed before, and he has answered my requests in the past.  I have little reason to doubt his answers.  I can't think of anything major to write about right now so I am just going to dig up something that I've been carrying around for a while.  Take a look at Proverbs 24:1-22, and here I will share my thoughts:

Proverbs 24

1 Do not envy wicked men,
do not desire their company;

This is an interesting warning.  I feel like this is something that every Christian deals with at one point or another.  How often do evil things look nice or pleasing.  To take it a step farther into the extreme, how often do we think about life being easier on the other side?  I know that I have thought in the past that being a non-Christian would be easier.  I could live life serving myself, looking out for myself, and taking care of myself.  Without God, there is no reason to not be selfish.  Why would I care about anyone or the way anyone felt as long as I was happy and getting what I want.  Without Christ's example to guide and direct my life, I believe that I would be a truly terrible person.

2 for their hearts plot violence,
and their lips talk about making trouble.

3 By wisdom a house is built,
and through understanding it is established;

4 through knowledge its rooms are filled
with rare and beautiful treasures.

5 A wise man has great power,
and a man of knowledge increases strength;

6 for waging war you need guidance,
and for victory many advisers.

7 Wisdom is too high for a fool;
in the assembly at the gate he has nothing to say.

8 He who plots evil
will be known as a schemer.

9 The schemes of folly are sin,
and men detest a mocker.

10 If you falter in times of trouble,
how small is your strength!

Whoa! Check out verse 10.  This is one of those spiritual punches in the face.  How many times in my life have I faltered in times of trouble?  Yes, I can think of times that I was able to stand in the confidence of the Lord, but how many times have I faltered or wavered?  It hurts a little to think about things like this.

11 Rescue those being led away to death;
hold back those staggering toward slaughter.

12 If you say, "But we knew nothing about this,"
does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?

13 Eat honey, my son, for it is good;
honey from the comb is sweet to your taste.

14 Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul;
if you find it, there is a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.

15 Do not lie in wait like an outlaw against a righteous man's house,
do not raid his dwelling place;

16 for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again,
 but the wicked are brought down by calamity.

Here is a small amount of reassurance after verse 10.  A righteous man rises again.  I pray that this is something that is seen in me.  When others see me fall or struggle, what joy it would be for them to think or say "There is a truly righteous man.  He falls, and fails, yet after is able to stand up again in the Lord's grace and mercy."

 17 Do not gloat when your enemy falls;
when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice,

18 or the LORD will see and disapprove
and turn his wrath away from him.

Oh Proverbs, you never fail at providing wisdom.  What a hard thing this is.  Sometimes we feel that people get what they deserve.  Perhaps we even wish some kind of doom upon someone.  How difficult it can be to not take a small amount of pleasure from an enemy's misfortune.  God is just, but I don't think this means that I am suppose to rejoice when God's delivers judgment against an unkind person.  I suppose that it is ok to thank God for His judgment, but we should definitely be careful.

19 Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of the wicked,

20 for the evil man has no future hope,
and the lamp of the wicked will be snuffed out.

21 Fear the LORD and the king, my son,
and do not join with the rebellious,

22 for those two will send sudden destruction upon them,
and who knows what calamities they can bring?

My ending thoughts focus on the being envious of the wicked.  I find it to be difficult sometimes to not want what the world has.  I know that I am called to a higher calling; that I am supposed to be in the world not of the world.  Being a follower of Jesus does not mean that I lose my desires for earthly pleasures and earthly fun.  When I see people enjoying life in their way I can't help but wonder what their joy feels like.  I know first hand that there is a difference between earthly joy and the joy that comes from God.  There was a time in my life that I feel like God truly allowed me to experience the life on a non-Christian.  I have known the Lord for essentially my entire life.  I have never known what it would really be like to live without that sense of hope.  However, for a brief time in my life I was traveling down a bad path.  After walking this bad path for some time, I believe God had enough.  It was as if he was stepping back from me saying "Fine, you want to know what its like to have worldly joy? Here.  I will step aside for a time."  And God did.  Let me tell you it was the strangest and most awkward couple of weeks of my entire life.  It was an incredible time of growth for me, but also one of the scariest feelings I ever faced.  I knew what it was like to not have the hope, joy, and peace that  God brings to our lives.  I knew exactly how it felt to live without God.  For those of you who are like me and have been Christians your entire lives; let me assure you, it is a terrible feeling.  I have never experienced a sense of emptiness and hopelessness that I felt those few weeks.  I could find happiness, sure.  But there was an ever present feeling of purposelessness, and hopelessness.  After just a few days I prayed to the Lord for forgiveness and begged for "Him" back, but God said "Wait."  I couldn't understand.  My whole life God had been there, he was my pal, my buddy, my right hand man, but not anymore.  God was stepping back and showing me what it was like to live life without the Holy Spirit I think.  Instead of filling me when I first asked he made me wait.  I think God wanted me to really understand what it was like to live life set apart from him.

It is truly foolish to be jealous of the world and of worldly people.  However, I believe that everyone is foolish at some point in our life.  We all make bad stupid spur of the moment decisions that bring us pain, regret, and remorse in the end.  Sometimes we even do things knowing full well how we will feel after.  How is it that we possess the ability to set God completely aside and do what we want?  Sure God will forgive us, but it has to be the hardest thing to forgive someone that intentionally pushed you aside so that you could enjoy a brief moment alone.  Ah, just another reason that I am glad that God is God, and that I am not.

Thanks for reading, I hope that you enjoyed it and gained a little something from it -- as always.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zachary Haas

UGH!!!! Ignorant Close Minded "Christians" Need to get a Life!

I'm just going to be blunt.  How can you claim to be a Christian if YOU are right and YOUR way is THE way.

"I am the WAY the TRUTH and the LIFE, no man comes to the father except through ME!"                  -Jesus Christ (Emphasis added) (John 14:6)

I am pretty sure that sums it up right there and you need to rethink and worry about your salvation.  How can you get away with telling other Christians that they are wrong when they merely have doctrinal differences.  How can arguing about doctrine not be futile?  There is no real way to prove that you are right or wrong (necessarily), thats why the doctrine exists.  The only time doctrine should be seriously argued is when its affecting dogma.  I understand that we cannot all agree on how we should honor and worship God.  But the real question is -- do we have to?  If I want to honor God by never having an alcoholic drink or dancing, why should you condemn me for my beliefs?  As long as you aren't getting drunk (Proverbs 23:20) or dancing provocatively (2 Samuel 6:14) how can I say you are doing something wrong?  Just because my doctrinal beliefs and practices are one way, does not mean they are the way.

Also, why does every spiritual thing have to include 100% of the Bible in it?  This is a little confusing so I'll explain a little more, then I'll close the argument.  Let's say that a group of children put on a play for a church.  These kids do a reasonable job at their play and use satire and humor throughout.  The play has clear Christian values and undertones, however, it really only addresses the topic of loving your neighbor -- thats all, nothing more.  The play does not offer a plan of salvation, does not show the miracles and works of Jesus, does not show any old testament values or laws that should be followed.  It only focuses on the issue of loving your neighbor as yourself.  Is this play heretical?  Did the kids or director do something wrong?  I don't think so.  These kids chose a topic to teach about.  (Now, when you think about it, MOST children's plays the pastor will give some kind of invitation afterwards so keep that in mind)  Just because they didn't do everything doesn't mean that they did something wrong.  Now to close the argument, think of a sermon.  Does every sermon talk about every aspect of God and the Bible?  Obviously not.  I for one have never heard a pastor try to talk about Jesus dying on the cross and Saul disobeying with a burnt offering without the prophet.  So if sermons are allowed to focus on small individual topics, why can't other approaches to teaching about God?  Why do we get so bent out of shape when someone makes a movie or cartoon and misses a detail, or leaves something for the critical eye to catch and complain about?

I tell you, arguments between Christians about trivial things needs to stop.  God did not intend for his people to be confrontational about details and things like that.  We need to come together as one.  Divided but a whole.  If God is a trinity and we follow the concept of 3 is 1 and 1 is 3, why can't we do the same as Christians?  Why can't we be many people individually, but come together on our dogmatic grounds to become one entity?  Are we not all one in God's eyes?  None better than the other?  I heard in church the other day "What can we see everyday that God can never see?"  The answer was "His Equal."  In God's eyes we were all equal sinners, and now, he loves us all equally as Christians.  Yes, we can still anger, disappoint, and upset him at different levels, but somehow he manages to never love differently.  We as humans can likely never achieve such love.  But we CAN obtain enough harmony with each other to show the world a thing or two.  I mean think about it, our churches would explode and new one built everywhere if we would accept each others differences and believed in "to each his own" on certain things.  Instead, we argue about our differences in doctrine and lose sight of the true goal.

Anyway, sorry for the slightly agitated post, but I was annoyed by some recent closed minded confrontational Christians.  I pray that I am able to see past differences and accept people as Christ followers many more times than not.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zachary Haas

Dear God 2

Dear God,

I don't even know where to start.  So many things have happened.  So many things have changed.  That which was once clear is now so dark and empty.  God what happened?  I thought that I had things figured out?  I thought that I was learning and growing.  More importantly, I thought that I was actually hearing you.  I thought I knew what you were telling me and I knew what I had to do.  Was I always wrong?  Was I just making things up and hearing what I wanted to hear?  Or was I really hearing you and I just confused it all myself.  God I am so lost now.  I was feeling really great that I was learning and growing and communicating with you so much.  But now, I don't know what to think.  Have I been fooling myself?  Have I just been making everything up to myself?

And what about recently . . . God we weren't on the greatest of terms.  Is it ok to sometimes actually hate your ways?  I know this sounds sacrilegious but don't we all at some point?  Perhaps hate is a strong word, but even Jesus didn't like the fact that he had to die on a cross.  Is it ok for me to severely dislike some of the laws of nature and other aspects like that?  Can I dislike the life that we are supposed to live and carry out because we are in a fallen world?  Can I be upset because things aren't perfect?  Is that ok?  God, I do not want to be upset with you or your ways.  I want to be happy and accepting, but right now I just feel so lost and confused.  How can all this be the result of so much seeking and learning?  How can so many things have changed in so little time.  All that I once loved is changing or gone completely.  God I know that we often face tests and trials but what is this?

Even now though Lord, I am humbled.  I am almost ashamed to believe that earlier today I was so upset with you and the way things were currently going in my life.  I was so angry because of the problems I was having and was becoming bitter towards everything.  But God, you humbled me showing me that my problems should be considered nothing when compared to what some other people are going through.  Yes my problems were real, yes my problems were shared by many, but my problems were more or less temporary.  God people are struggling with death and the loss of loved ones and friends.  I have lost a dear relationship, but no life has been lost.  God I can't imagine what these people are going through.  I am now ashamed to think that my problems were so "big" that I was hating your created world.

I am still lost Lord and confused beyond belief, but there are more important things that I need to pray for right now.  God you brought my sister back home from Florida but she has yet to change.  So there is that.  I know people who are dealing with a lost life of a friend and family member.  So theres that.  The issues in my life over the past few weeks are important God, but the issues of yesterday are so stupid and trivial compared to what other people are dealing with.

God I pray that you be with those closest to me that need comfort, rest, encouragement and just a relaxing presence from you.  But God I need some answers.  The biggest problem with needing answers is the fact that I thought I was getting some.  I thought I knew how to hear you, I thought I knew how to listen, but it is seeming like I was wrong.  What I heard from you was apparently wrong in a number of things in my life.  So I guess the first thing that needs to happen is change in me.  Change me to be able to hear what you are actually saying God.  I thought that you were being very clear to me and I thought that I had been seeing things that were for you and from you but I guess that I was sadly wrong.  God I really just don't know what to think or do right now.  Where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to do?  Clearly, I am still wrestling with you, despite having thought I was around that.

Amen.

A Quick Thought/Find Nothing More...

The sin of apostasy, then, is always a grim possibility within the covenant community. The apostate may be baptized, as was Simon the Sorcerer. He may be occupied in Christian labors, as was Demas. He may be one of the Twelve, as was Judas. He may be a leader in the community. He may be a member of a most upstanding family. He may be a preacher. He may be endowed with charismatic gifts. He may be a healer of the sick. He may have the power to cast out demons. He may have grown up in a Christian home and had the benefit of a Christian education. Yet, his heart is far from the One he professes to serve.

Scary.

Life Changes... or Sucks

As I have just experience and enormous change in my life I think that I will be taking a break from my blog for a while.  I need to do some rethinking and praying I guess.  I don't know what to really think right now.  Clearly I was wrong... and I don't know how many things I was wrong about and what I was wrong about.  I'm going to take some time before coming back.  Sorry.  Not sure many people really read my blog that frequently anyway.

-Zach

Spiritual Gifts Assessment: Part 1

 All right here it is. The blog that I first mentioned nearly a week ago. This may even end up being a two part blog in order to keep it at some kind of reasonable length.

  Anyway, many of you may remember me at lunch or dinner talking about how much I don't care for personality tests. I took psychology last fall and there were a number of these survey tests that told you who you are. I generally think they are a bunch of hullabaloo just because of their format and inaccuracy prone tendencies. Well, despite not liking survey type tests I took a Spiritual Gifts test about a week and a half ago and was rather surprised with the results. I will list them here and talk a little about each one and how I think they apply to me. I was shocked at what I found. I would like to mention before I start that there were actually two different tests, one directed to adults, the other towards teens. I will start with the adult listed from highest to least highest. (http://www.kodachrome.org/spiritgift/)

  1. Discernment – This was not surprising to me really at all. I have noticed this gift in my life as most prevalent over all others. More recently, I may have realized a specialized version of this gift in my life. It is something that I am currently looking into and praying about, but I think that I may have the ability to “judge” people before ever talking to them or knowing them. I don't know exactly how to explain this but I first became aware of this gift when I heard someone talking about the ability to see colors on other people. Actually, when I first heard about the color thing I sorta shrugged it off as weird and making really no sense. However, recently I was randomly thinking about it and started wondering if it wasn't weird at all. Further more I started to think I may have the same ability, though I wouldn't use the word color. I did some more research on the matter and found that the person who could see colors on people had a slightly different gift but still very similar. The best way I can describe it is that I can sometimes sense the good or bad on people. I can generally sense this either by seeing them or hearing them say just a few sentences. I have talked to people before and been around them and was just uncomfortable. I could tell there was something wrong about them or something not right.

  Another example of my discernment ability came to me when I was sitting in a “mega” church. My whole life I have grown up in a small church where I knew everyone by name. This has always been where I found God and where I was comfortable worshiping. I have never really thought bad about big churches but at the same time was never a fan. The first time I ever went to Central Wesleyan Church in Holland Michigan I was just amazed at is size and splendor. The second time I went I had a slightly different experience. I was sitting there in the pew not really thinking about the message that much when I had a feeling from God. There was a sense of peace around me. Then it was almost as if God was saying to me “Do you not see me here? Yes Zachary, this is not what you are used too and this is not what you prefer, but do you not see me? I am here. Feel my presence. I am here in this church working just as I am in your small church back home. There is nothing wrong with this large church as their focus is on me and I am with them.” Part of me felt guilty, but at the same time more just very content. I never doubted that God could use and was in big churches. But this was a really neat experience, especially since this was my girlfriends church! Big churches have their place in the world. They have resources and abilities that small churches will never have. I believe each are important and play their role in the kingdom of God.

  2. Pastoring – This one came as kind of a surprise, but not in the way you might think. This has been something that I have juggled in my mind ever since I was 12 years old. Of course, most of me wants to believe that what I thought when I was 12 was weak and immature. However, the idea of being a spiritual leader has never really left me. This is something that I am almost certain is not something that I am supposed to explore yet. Especially since I have been trying to take intro to youth ministries ever since I was a freshman and haven't been able to fit it into my class schedule. I've never really considered becoming an actual pastor. My heart has always been more for teenagers. However, after having been in a small group of young adults this summer, my passion may be changing slightly. I still love the idea of being able to help and guide teens, but leading a group of young adults is becoming very appealing to me. However, I still don't think it is my time yet to be involved in these areas. I do feel that God wants me to do something with this eventually, but not now, and I am okay with that. I also think that to do many of the things that I'd want to do, I may need to get married first – and marriage is not really on my horizon right now either.

   2. (There was a tie) Faith – This was definitely the most surprising to me of all the answers. Faith? First of all, I have never thought of myself as a person with great faith. Second, I thought that faith was essential to Christianity. I didn't realize that there was a spiritual gift of faith until this test. Hebrews 11 is a cool chapter about faith if anyone is interested. According to the website that I took the test at they defined the spiritual gift of faith as: “The special conviction God gives to some to be firmly persuaded of God's power and promises to accomplish His will and purpose and to display such a confidence in Him and His Word that circumstances and obstacles do not shake that conviction.” I like this definition and can see how this is prevalent in my life. I was surprised to see how accurately the gift of faith fits into my life and who I see myself as. I also know that this is the gift that will take the most work for me to maintain and use. I can see that I can be a person of faith, but I can also see how easy it would be to waste this gift. This is a really cool discovery for me and definitely something I will be looking into more with great interest.

  3. Poverty – Okay, I know I said faith was the most surprising find of my gifts, but this was definitely the most scary. When I first read this I thought “OH NO! God, I don't want this gift. I don't want to live in poverty and be poor my whole life, please tell me it isn't so!” However, as I read the description of it more I was calmed and satisfied. The spiritual gift of poverty can mean that you are called to live among people. It may mean that you have the means necessary to live higher, but choose to live lower in order to better relate to people. I love this idea. I do not need to be elaborate and extravagant. A simple content life would be great to me. Granted, I do want a house big enough that I can have people over, I think this goes along with gift number 2 just fine. Acts 4:32-35 is a great way to look at it for those curious.

  Well guys, there you have it. The beginning of my own personal spiritual gifts assessment. I don't want this to get too long by itself, and it is getting late – I have to work every day this week until Sunday. I generally have Wednesdays off but I told a friend I would do him a favor and come in for him. I will pick up where I left off soon enough. I hope you have enjoyed learning more about me as I learn more about myself. Thanks for your prayers and support.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,

-Zachary Haas

God's Word

  All right, so this still isn't the main post that I wanted to do, but its been a while so I wanted to post something. This is actually something I had been thinking about around a month and a half ago. I mentioned it a little bit in previous blogs. What is the difference between studying, reading, and meditating on the Bible, and do the differences matter? Are all three essential to a relationship with God?

First of all lets focus on something easy – reading. Reading is easy. We can all read; you and I are doing it now. But when it comes to the Bible most people (myself included) say that they don't read it enough or at all. I don't think that I have ever met someone who honestly said “I read my Bible enough everyday. I am in full devotion with God through His word.” Why is this? If God has given us the instructions to life in paper format, why are we constantly begging God to show us what to do in life? I feel like God is sometimes standing right in front of us just pointing at the Bible shouting “READ!” Other times I view Him as more laid back simply sighing with a point “It's right there . . . still.” I have no reasonable answer except that we are lazy and want more immediate results. Think about it. In this day and age anything we want to know is at a click of a button. Between Google and Wikipedia I do not think there is anything useful that we cannot learn in a matter of hours, minutes, seconds even! I don't even need a computer sometimes. I can text message 'Google' with “weather 12846” and get my local weather for 3 days in a split second. As a matter of fact, we can even find the Bible online (which is an amazing resource, and if you haven't used an online Bible to search for things you had better keep reading to my part about studying). Aside from wanting immediate results and not wanting to spend the time reading we also lack discipline. Reading God's word is more than just reading it to find what we want. God doesn't want us to just pick up the Bible and find immediate answers. He wants our time. Taking time to actually just read the Bible allows us to spend time in the presence of God. Perhaps this is even more important than finding our answers. I think the real important factor is that we somehow force ourselves to make a habit to read everyday – I'll let you know when I succeed at this myself. But I think that the three most important things of reading the Bible are consistency, learning/listening, and time spent with God.

  Next I'll talk about study. Some of you may be thinking is there really a difference between studying, reading, and meditating? Well, there is whether you've known it or not. The really close confusing ones for me were reading and meditating I think. Anyway, I would have to say that for me studying the Bible is my strong point. I love getting wrapped up in a single topic of the Bible. Something will get my attention and I'll have to search all over for it. I have an NIV study Bible. It's the most amazing Bible I have ever owned. I'm almost positive there is more non Bible than there is bible. Then, using online Bibles I can search for keywords and look up different translations. If you have never studied a topic using the Bible I suggest you try. It so cool to see how much time you can really spend when you get hooked on studying a topic in God's word. Be careful not to spread yourself too thin though. You don't want to become overwhelmed with topics and lose a focus. The book I read suggested that if you are already in a study group, its not a bad idea to focus on what you are studying there, digging deeper outside the group as opposed to searching for something completely different. Studying consists of focused passages,Biblical exploration and connection, whereas reading is more about time spent in God's word.

  Finally on to meditating. This was the newest and perhaps most interesting concept to me. Apparently, people are often turned off to the concept of meditation due to it's misrepresented mystical feel. People occasionally feel like meditating is a dark or pagan thing. This isn't the case as Psalms contains multiple references to meditation. Scripture tells us that there is nothing to fear as long as God and his word is the focus. Meditating on God does not consist of Yoga and breathing. As a matter of fact, it is defined as “continuous and profound contemplation or musing on a subject or series of subjects of a deep or abstruse nature.” It's simply a series of thoughts deeply focused on God's word. Dallas Willard described it as: 

“We not only read, hear, and inquire, but we meditate on what comes before us; that is, we withdraw into silence where we can powerfully and steadily focus upon it. In this way, its meaning can emerge for us and from us as God works in the depths of our heart, mind and soul.”

It's not like I have never meditated before, it's just not something I have ever thought about consciously doing and adding to my spiritual life.  I remember one time specifically that my girlfriend and I took a few aways to be alone and just focus on God.  For me this meant that I locked myself in my closet (I put my desk in there) and spent some time in the complete silent dark.  I read some of God's word.  Prayed a lot.  Wrote a lot about my thoughts.  Read Ecclesiastes.  Then ended it all with some worship music. (I prefer Steve Fee and Chris Tomlin).  This really was an enlightening experience and one that I would certainly not mid revisiting or making into a habit.  Mike Hurt says:

 “Without meditating on the Word of God, my reading would become a contest in speed, and my study would become a purely intellectual exercise. Meditation forces me to slow down and to chew on ever morsel from the text.”  

Wow. That's a cool way to look at it. I can definitely see how in my life (where my best attribute was study) studying can become purely intellectual. I also know that if I did have a reading schedule, like I did when I read the one year Bible in a year, it almost became more of a task. I lost my desire to really read God's word and instead was doing it to get it done. This is important to remember. Never should any of these things be done because we have to. We can't let them become a chore that we do just because we know we should. Perhaps it may start as a chore, but I believe that it should soon become something that we desire and cause us to wonder how we ever lived any other way. We should read to know God's word, study to understand it, and meditate to ingest and apply. These three things will certainly help us to find God's will in our life.

Well, I know where I need to go and I know where I need to start. My challenge for you is to figure out where you are. What are you doing best and what are you doing worst? What can you do to change the way you deal with God's Word? My even bigger more important challenge, is for you to pray for me in getting started and stay on track. :)

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,

-Zachary Haas

P.S. I have no idea if/when you are supposed to capitalize Word when referring to God's word? If someone lets me know if there is a proper way then I can edit the post and fix it all :)

Sunday Day of Adventure

I have two main "goals" that I want to accomplish by the end of summer.  They are to go paintballing and wakeboarding.  Saturday I was going to go paintballing for the first time ever, but it ended up storming and I couldn't go.  BUMMER!  Sunday, my Pastor started a new series that seems to be interesting.  It's actually part of a series that goes along with a book that will go along with some small groups that will be forming in our church.  It's cool to seem my church branching out in such a way.  For the most part they don't do a whole lot of small group stuff, so it's neat to be able to see that growth.  Unfortunately, I can't really be a part of the small groups because by the time they start I will be going back to class.  Thats okay though, I am thoroughly enjoying the young adult group that was started at my church.  We had an unexpected guest two weeks ago start attending.  He was a guy that I used to go to school with and haven't seen in 4 years.  I always viewed him as kinda a punk who was way into alcohol in drugs.  I can't say that he's changed (because I don't know) but he definitely is deeper than I would have originally thought.  To be honest, I was uncomfortable with him being there the first week.  It was actually kind of selfish of me to be uncomfortable.  In my mind, this is my small group.  I want it to be full of hardcore passionate Christians so that I can grow.  Thankfully, the second week he came I was much more comfortable.  I have no idea why he is coming, it really doesn't seem like a  place he'd normally go.  However, he is going on his on free will.  He does rarely attend church on Sundays, but I think thats just because his girlfriend and girlfriends mom sometimes come.  Either way, it is kinda cool that he is coming.  Perhaps we can really reach out to him and he will experience something amazing through our little group.

Anyway, after church there was a birthday party for a little girl who attends our church (she turned 13).  At her birthday party my parents got talking to some of their friends from church and ended up making a play date at their house.  They live on a sizable pond and own a boat.  Of course, my first question was is if they had a wake board.  Disappointingly they didn't, however, they did have water skis, a double tube, a knee board, and "airchair"???  I figured well, this is better than nothing and I can even try slalom skiing -- which I figured has got to be close to wakeboarding.

I had only been water skiing once before so I am no pro by any means and the first time I did it after I got up I had no idea what I was doing.  I got up after the second try and was able to go over 2.5 miles and go in and out of the wake a view times before falling.  I couldn't believe how tired it made my legs.  My brother then tried with limited success.  Then my mom tried, and the last time I saw her try was a few years ago during my first try.  After a number of falls she never got up back then and ended up with a nice bruise.  Yesterday, she ended up getting up for a little bit and was satisfied with only a mild bruise on her arm.  Then, surprisingly my dad decided he had to try once.  I don't even know how long it's been since he went water skiing last.  I knew three things right off the bat.  One, my dad used to be really good at water skiing.  Two, he is no where NEAR the shape that he used to be in.  Three, my dad is recovering from a back injury and going to PT for it.  They told him he can do whatever he wants until it starts to hurt.  So, here is an old "pro" who hasn't skied in forever who is out of shape and has a hurt back.  Well, that didn't stop my dad.  He got up on the first try!  This was amazing.  It was like watching my dad from a past life.  I haven't seen my dad do anything like this in my ENTIRE LIFE!  The closest thing I've seen him do was a small wheelie on a motorcycle.  Anyway, he went for a few miles and even tried a slalom course.  Shortly afterwards, I think he started to feel it on his back, but he wasn't going to go down without a bang.  Before quitting he tried to kick off one ski and begin a single ski run.  This only lasted a few seconds before he couldn't place his back foot and fell into the water -- unharmed.  This was a spectacle to see.  Certainly I was impressed and this was beyond anything I could have imagine.  He got up like he was riding a bike, weaving in and out of the wake way better than I could and I am half his age (probably my age is the last time he water skied!).  Before I end with my Dad's tail I would like to mention he is certainly not over the "loss" of Zoey, his granddaughter.  My sister got on video chat with Zoey the other day, and my mom said my dad couldn't really watch it without crying.  And that he didn't want to let "her" (Zoey? My sister?) see him cry.  So yea... he's still not doing too well there.

 After water skiing me and my brother got on the double tube and had the ride of our life.  The guy driving the boat loved to try and knock people off.  The first time I was only knocked off cause my brother landed on me and I was like what the crap is on me... oh... its Andrew.  The second time we were on there was a time that my brother was like falling off with one arm.  I wanted to keep the ride going and I saw his one arm go up... So I held on with my right hand as hard as I could and with my left hand I forced his hand on and was like hang on brother.  It was pretty epic and they were watching from the boat.  After it was all done my mom said I don't think you two have had that much fun together in a long time... if ever.  Shes probably right... and the saving my brother thing was pretty fun and entertaining.  My mom was like "well now you can't say you never saved your brothers life" haha.

After this, my brother tried water skiing again with limited success, and I tried slalom skiing (one ski).  To my disappointment, and despite it looking easier, I could not get up.  I may have been tired, but I was sad that I couldn't to get up.  I figured it was the closest thing I could do to wake boarding... but oh well maybe next time.

The last thing I tried was something called an air chair.  Now this is a crazy experience.  I cannot describe the contraption in words so a picture is going to have to say a thousand for me.  

When you get that thing up out of the water it's crazy.  It was really hard to get up in the first place but I think that if I could have gotten it up I more often I could have figured it out better.  Anyway.. you are like weightless on top of that thing.  You feel like you are flying and you even LOOK like you are flying.  Then, like in the picture you can make it jump and flip and stuff.  The thing looks incredibly dangerous and I was reallllly wary about getting on it.  I don't like the idea of being strapped in or constrained that tightly.  I like being free and able to escape if need be in any situation.  But once I was actually trying it, it felt really safe.

In the end, I forgot one really big thing.  I get sick when I get too much water up my nose.  So last night I could barely sleep, and today, even now I can barely breathe... even with Claritan D (sp?).  I will be ok in a few days, but it really messes with my sinus.  This happened to me last year when I went whitewater kayaking.  It sucks, but I'll live, and for the most part it was worth it.  Especially to see my dad having such a good time, and for letting my mom see me and my brother together enjoying life and not fighting/arguing.

Sorry this post didn't have much to do with God.  But then again, everything doesn't have to be directly about God.  God wants us to enjoy life, we (my family) were enjoying God's creation using man's technology through God given minds.  Besides, I am still contemplating a future blog that I mentioned last time.  Enjoy Life!

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zachary Haas

What in the God is going on here?

So yea.  In the past 48 hours my brain has been rocked.  God is ridiculous! (not in a bad way of course, just a ridiculous way)  Stay tuned.  I need more time to think and prepare before adding my next post, but I believe it will be interesting to say the least.  It's going to be a lot about myself and who I am and things I have learned and things about myself that I didn't even know.  Then just because God is crazy, I'll try talking a little bit about something he did.  I can't believe God... I believe in God and that anything is possible through Him... but man, I just can't believe this one.  Stay tuned.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zachary Haas

An Attempt to Make Sense Out of Two Decades

All right, so I have barely been a live for two decades, which likely means I haven't actually thought about this for 20 years.  However, this is something that has bothered me for most of my life and I have never quite figured it out.  Now, with the help of my AMAZING NIV study Bible my church gave me 3 years ago I can make an attempt at making sense out of it.  First of all, let me show you the passage in the Bible.

Genesis 32:22-40 (New International Version)

Jacob Wrestles With God
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.

28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, [a] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, [b] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, [c] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

 I now ask, has anyone else noticed anything weird about this passage?  For some examples of “what in the world moments”: vs 24- WHAT? Try taking this verse out of context, knowing its God's word and your brain will explode. Let me get this straight. Jacob, decides to send everything and everyone across a river. Then, while Jacob is alone. Some man jumps him and starts fighting with him . . . until daybreak. This means that these two guys just randomly start fighting – for HOURS! The man, implied to be God, Jesus, or perhaps Angel (there is more debate to this than you might think) then decides that he can't over power Jacob (but the man is GOD??? WHAT?) and uses a “magic touch” to dislocate Jacob's hip. Since when is God weaker than humans and loses wrestling matches? Afterwards, the man asks to be let go because daybreak is approaching. Wait, so these guys randomly fight all night and now this guy wants to leave? But no... Jacob, who apparently figured out somehow that this man has spiritual power, demands a blessing. Wow, clearly Jacob was either very adamant or very stupid. I mean, the man already nearly ripped Jacob's leg off with a touch. Then, the man changes his name claiming that he “struggled with God and with men [Jesus?] and have overcome.” Jacob then claims to have seen God and lived. In the end, we see Jacob limping away permanently maimed. Ok... there is actually one last verse... and I am saying this with all respect and authority to God and his purpose... but vs. 32 is absolutely ridiculous. This claim is never mentioned in the Bible again, and we never see the Israelites doing this or anything ever again. One word to describe this entire passage would have to be sketchy. I cannot think of any other way to describe how I have felt about this passage my whole life; sketchy, confusing, and even weird. I am generally left with a bizarre “Why?”



Well, now that that is out of the way. I will try to explain what I have learned about this passage and its parts over the past 2 weeks. The past 7 weeks I have been attending a new young adult group at my church. We started with a book that we finished two weeks ago. This is where the passage about Jacob was rekindled in my life for the first time. The book talks about the wilderness and a silent God (something that I still have yet to put a blog about among other things that I think are cool). In the book, it actually uses Jacobs account found in Hosea.

Hosea 12:4-5 (New International Version)


4 He struggled with the angel and overcame him;
he wept and begged for his favor.
He found him at Bethel
and talked with him there-

5 the LORD God Almighty,
the LORD is his name of renown!

Just briefly mentioned in Hosea.  Basically, the book uses the example of Jacob wrestling with God alone as a way to express that we need to see our experiences in the wilderness as opportunities to wrestle with God. But as far as the Bible tells us Jacob didn't even know that he was wrestling God. I think this was a weaker argument in the book only because the Jacob wrestling passage is so strange and hard to follow.

Anyway, last week Wednesday was not the last time Jacob made a stand – in my mind . . . okOk, so apparently this passage is no going away from me anytime soon, even after 20-ish years. (By the way, the research my leader did was a little different than what I was looking for, he was very interested in 'who' exactly it was that Jacob was wrestling was and found information for a number of potential candidates for 'who'. This was interested and got us thinking but didn't really provide any more answers to my dilemma, though we were able to talk about the passage in general as well.)

Moving on to my personal point of view/findings. First of all Hosea said it was an Angel, but the NIV added the title of “Jacob Wrestles With God.” Something to note is that in the original Hebrew the word angel in Hosea often meant God or could be used to talk about God. My personal observance leads me to think that Jacob wrestled with Jesus. Jesus would be both 100% man and 100% God. This works with where Jacob got his name, Israel – because he struggled with God and with men and have overcome. Jesus, being 100% man may also have the limitations of man. This would allow Jacob to theoretically be able to win a wrestling match with him – or at least keep him at bay. The man, if Jesus, was then able to simply touch Jacob and inflict a wound that should have ended the fight. At this point I guess Jacob figured out that he wasn't dealing with an ordinary man. What man can cause such a wound, and then wish to be released because of daybreak? Jacob, after having being maimed for life and now risking death, holds on. Not only does Jacob hold on, but he demands to be blessed before letting go. Jacob was passionate. He knew what he wanted and he knew what God could do, he was going to do anything and give everything in order to be blessed by God. Jacob is then blessed and given a new name, Israel, on the spot (it's interesting to note that the name Jacob meant the ambitious deceiver). According to my study Bible, “He was persistent. God encourages persistence in all areas of our lives, including the spiritual. Where in your spiritual life do you need more persistence? Strong character develops as you struggle through tough conditions.” This is certainly one lesson that can be taken from this passage. My study Bible says about Hosea: “He constantly searched for God. Jacob wrestled with the angel in order to be blessed, but his descendants thought their blessings came from their own successes. Jacob purged his house of idols, but his descendants couldn't quit their idol worship.” I found this to be particularly interesting. This gives a purpose to the entire passage actually. This passage now shows where, why, and how Jacob was blessed. First Abraham was promised to be a father of many nations, and his grandson Jacob furthers the blessing here. The 12 tribes of Israel come from Jacob, and they were great and blessed indeed! This passage shows that Jacob was blessed by God for generations to come, however, the people forgot this and became proud of themselves for their well being and were punished frequently.

All this still does not give me any closure. I was once told that while studying the Bible you should ask yourself both what it meant to the people in the Bible, and what it means to me. Right now, I have answered what it means to the people in the Bible to some extent. But I am still left with questions and confusion. Why is this passage in the Bible? Am I supposed to wrestle with God? Is it all right to be persistent with God? Isn't this nagging? Surely God doesn't want us to be stubborn and fight with him until we get what we want. So what? What am I to take from this?

After some thought and prayer this is what I came up with. Yes, God wants us to be persistent. But he does not what us to be close-minded or nagging. We are even allowed to BEG for what we want; Jesus did to the point of sweating blood. God wants us to hold on and hold out. In the passage Jacob is physically wrestling with God to acquire a blessing, but there is some belief that he may have been emotionally wrestling. We wrestle with God issues in our mind all the time. Wrestling with issues does not mean that they are wrong and should be ignored. Neither should we accept defeat when it comes to wrestling with God. How often is God known to come right out and say things after the first prayer? Not very often. I think that this passage can also show us exactly how close God is to us when we are “wrestling.” God never leaves us or forsakes us, not even when we are wrestling with him. In fact, he is closer to us than ever while wrestling. Anyone who has ever seen two people wrestling knows that there is incredible amounts of contact going on . . . even to the point of being awkward. What encouragement this should be! While we are wrestling with God he is close. He is listening and he is possibly wrestling back putting up a “fight.” In the end, at God's time (daybreak, after 40 days in the wilderness, after 40 years in the desert) he will give us what we want or need. Sometimes we need to wrestle our way to what we want so that we can appreciate it and know that it was from God and not our own strength.

On a more personal note, I have sometimes felt like I was wrestling with God through temptation. I bet some of you have been in similar situations where you KNEW that something was wrong yet you really, really wanted to do it anyway. For me, it was like I could almost feel myself physically wrestling with God. I could almost feel Him holding me back while I was saying “No, God. I know this is wrong but I want it so badly.” In this case God did not give up. I have even given into God out of anger. This may sound weird, but I have even gotten to the point before where I was like “FINE GOD! I WON'T DO IT. JUST FOR YOU. REMEMBER THIS GOD, I DID THIS FOR YOU AGAINST MY WILL.” This is kind of like a Jonah, I did the right thing but with the wrong heart. Other times temptation strikes and I will wrestle with God for help. In this case, we are more on the same team wrestling against something bad. It reminds me of the Lifehouse video that most of us have seen where the girl is like reaching for Jesus but is being held back. Either way, I think that the word wrestling certainly is a good word to use in these situations.

My challenge for you now is to think of time where you have wrestled with God. What was the outcome? Are you wrestling now? What outcome do YOU want? Would that outcome be God honoring? Do you realize that wrestling with God is not necessarily a bad thing?

Thanks for reading. Its been a while since I posted so I guess this long one is forgivable.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,

-Zachary Haas

Sister Moved Out Yesterday

In lieu of my wanting to clarify myself yesterday I did not have a chance to tell you about the "earthquake" that has left my house in emotional ruin.  I will not attempt to explain my family to you.  Even I do not understand how we work and things.  All I will say is that we are VERY different than many families.  The way we show love, affection, appreciation are all very different.  Yesterday my sister moved out taking her daughter with her.
For the past 13 months my parents have been raising a child -- their grandchild.  They have really been the parents for her as my sister has been finishing school and going to work.  Both of my parents have been stuck at home doing nothing since February (my mom is a stay at home mom/house taker and my dad has been injured and out of work since Feb.)  Last time my dad was hurt and out of work he got a puppy that he fell in love with  He actually cried a little when we had to put the puppy in a kennel for the first time.  This time my dad has done nothing but spend time with this little baby Zoey.  Not only did my dad and mom lose a daughter because she is running away, they lost the baby that they have been with constantly for months.  I have only seen my dad upset a few times.  Once with the puppy, once when he was explaining how God literally miraculously save his life beyond all doubt after cutting into a live electrical wire shin deep in water in front of our church, (run on sentence, I really don't care right now) and once this last time when he said bye to Zoey.  A child should never have to see their father upset to the point of tears, and whats worse, all fathers are proud and never want their children to see that.  But my dad (and mom) but my dad was more broken yesterday than I have ever seen him in my life combined.  He had to go to physical training yesterday and as he was walking out the door (I could tell he'd been crying and incredibly distraught for I don't know how long) he tried to turn to Zoey who was in my moms arms to wave good bye to her for the last time.  He said "Goodbye Zoe-Zoe" and tried to give a little wave to her.  Zoey then reached her arms out to him to be held by her "pop-pop" but my dad couldn't take it.  I heard a stifled, sadness stricken gasp leave his throat as turned and left.  My mom was also deeply upsetted by this and I was sitting on the couch while this happened.  I was getting ready to go to work.  I could have had the worst day of work ever, heck, I could have been fired that day and it wouldn't have even scratched the sadness I saw in my parents.  I tried hiding my tears and acting tough but on the inside I was breaking too.  This poor baby... my poor parents.  I could still tell they were very upset when I got home hours later from work.  They had put all the baby stuff away... it was too hard to look at.  Today, the house was silent for the first time in 13 months.  There was no noise.  Just a solemn atmosphere.  My parents were in better shape, but my mom commented on how weird and hard it was to deal with the silence.  She had been used to it before, but she worries what it will be like when my dad goes back to work.  We all think that Amber (my sister) is being incredibly stupid.  But that clearly has not caused them to not love her still.  I even believe that she is already forgiven, though she doesn't see that.  Perhaps she will pull a prodigal son, but perhaps not.  I think its what many people are praying for, and my dad seems to believe it more and more.

This is kinda ridiculous, but is almost a small attempt at humor.  The first thing I noticed about Amber and Zoey being gone was that (besides no toys to step on lol) when I went to get some mac and cheese (from a box) I got a lot more... 2 people wouldn't be eating it.  I'd like to say this was a good thing (I mean, I do love mac and cheese and in a awful way it was good) but the pain that I've seen in my family would cause me to have given all my mac and cheese to someone.

There is one thing that is still kinda cool about this whole thing.  And thats God.  I can see my parents still reaching to God even after all this.  And my church is providing great support to them.  Honestly, my parents need friends... they have needed them for as long as I can remember.  We rarely have people over and my parents just need "buds".  I hope that the church members come even closer to them than ever before.  In my mind, this is the best thing that could happen from this situation and I would see that as a blessing from God.  As for me, I am doing ok.  But, I've been at school for the past year... I don't have the same relationship with Amber and especially Zoey like the rest of my family does.

Pray for my family again.  Especially for my parents.  I can't know the pain they are feeling and other things they are feeling.  I pray I never have to because what I can imagine is some of the worst feelings known to man.  If you really think about it.  Death is better than abandonment.  Death is not a choice... abandonment is an action.  Abandoning love... this has to be absolutely detestable to God.  God hates divorce... I can only imagine why :'(

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zach Haas


P.S.  I'm sorry this was likely a difficult post to read.  Trust me, it was a difficult post to write, I had to stop and take a moment even.