Dear God 2

Dear God,

I don't even know where to start.  So many things have happened.  So many things have changed.  That which was once clear is now so dark and empty.  God what happened?  I thought that I had things figured out?  I thought that I was learning and growing.  More importantly, I thought that I was actually hearing you.  I thought I knew what you were telling me and I knew what I had to do.  Was I always wrong?  Was I just making things up and hearing what I wanted to hear?  Or was I really hearing you and I just confused it all myself.  God I am so lost now.  I was feeling really great that I was learning and growing and communicating with you so much.  But now, I don't know what to think.  Have I been fooling myself?  Have I just been making everything up to myself?

And what about recently . . . God we weren't on the greatest of terms.  Is it ok to sometimes actually hate your ways?  I know this sounds sacrilegious but don't we all at some point?  Perhaps hate is a strong word, but even Jesus didn't like the fact that he had to die on a cross.  Is it ok for me to severely dislike some of the laws of nature and other aspects like that?  Can I dislike the life that we are supposed to live and carry out because we are in a fallen world?  Can I be upset because things aren't perfect?  Is that ok?  God, I do not want to be upset with you or your ways.  I want to be happy and accepting, but right now I just feel so lost and confused.  How can all this be the result of so much seeking and learning?  How can so many things have changed in so little time.  All that I once loved is changing or gone completely.  God I know that we often face tests and trials but what is this?

Even now though Lord, I am humbled.  I am almost ashamed to believe that earlier today I was so upset with you and the way things were currently going in my life.  I was so angry because of the problems I was having and was becoming bitter towards everything.  But God, you humbled me showing me that my problems should be considered nothing when compared to what some other people are going through.  Yes my problems were real, yes my problems were shared by many, but my problems were more or less temporary.  God people are struggling with death and the loss of loved ones and friends.  I have lost a dear relationship, but no life has been lost.  God I can't imagine what these people are going through.  I am now ashamed to think that my problems were so "big" that I was hating your created world.

I am still lost Lord and confused beyond belief, but there are more important things that I need to pray for right now.  God you brought my sister back home from Florida but she has yet to change.  So there is that.  I know people who are dealing with a lost life of a friend and family member.  So theres that.  The issues in my life over the past few weeks are important God, but the issues of yesterday are so stupid and trivial compared to what other people are dealing with.

God I pray that you be with those closest to me that need comfort, rest, encouragement and just a relaxing presence from you.  But God I need some answers.  The biggest problem with needing answers is the fact that I thought I was getting some.  I thought I knew how to hear you, I thought I knew how to listen, but it is seeming like I was wrong.  What I heard from you was apparently wrong in a number of things in my life.  So I guess the first thing that needs to happen is change in me.  Change me to be able to hear what you are actually saying God.  I thought that you were being very clear to me and I thought that I had been seeing things that were for you and from you but I guess that I was sadly wrong.  God I really just don't know what to think or do right now.  Where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to do?  Clearly, I am still wrestling with you, despite having thought I was around that.

Amen.

IWU Thoughts 2, a Response From Myself to Myself

I wanted to point out a few things about my last blog that I may have failed to mention.  First of all, I want everyone to know there is nothing wrong with asking people about their walk with God.  For me to say this would be blaspheme and not my purpose.  I am more worried about people asking about it so publicly or something.  Facebook is incredibly public and no one wants to look like they are doing something wrong by not hearing and learning from God.  I recently learned a bit about God putting people into a "wilderness" where he will remain silent for a long time.  God sometimes remains silent in our lives so that we can learn, grow, become prepared, and even sometimes to break us from habits or our comfort zone.  We don't know this all the time and many times this may seem like we are not growing or getting anything from God.  Honestly, how would you immediately feel if someone told you that they weren't hearing, feeling, or learning anything from God?  You might be quick to judge and even condemn.  My other main point was why the summer?  Why don't we expect God to teach us and grow us all year?  Is there something special about summer?  Maybe, but there doesn't have to be.  Many of us may actually be more busy now that its summer and will hear God even less.  I wanted to get people thinking.  I think maybe questions regarding a persons spiritual walk would be better placed in a facebook message than a wall post.  Isn't this something a bit more intimate?  This would also avoid the idea that you are just using small talk.  I think I'll talk a little more about the wilderness experience from God a little bit later.  I want to apologize if it seemed like I was saying that asking about what God's doing is wrong.  I wanted to make sure people were checking themselves and that they weren't just copying someone else.  That our hearts are in the right place when we are asking questions that could be deep and personal.  I just felt like some people were asking just to ask.  I don't know their reasons but I wonder if even they knew their reasons.

My goal in this blog is not to be sarcastic or critical.  I want to be genuine.  I want to offer my thoughts as a way to cause you to think, pray, and grow.  I don not want to cause you unhealthy guilt.  There is a fine line between helpful guilt and harmful guilt.  My goal is certainly not to cause any of you to guilt into dishonesty as this is exactly what I am trying to avoid.

In the end I wanted to let people know that some people may not have a answer or a good answer to the What is God doing questions.  Are you ready to accept that God is doing "nothing"?  Are you ready to accept that they may not have an answer at all?  I want to believe that we all are.  But I don't want us to feel pressured into making something up.  Overspiritualizing things and making things up is not good and only leads to hurt.  We already get guilted and pressured into enough things.  All I ask is that we be careful and listen to God.  Also, be careful what we ask.

Thanks for reading, sorry if I missed some details, feel free to ask me to explain something further.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ.
-Zachary Haas

P.S.  Feel free to ask me about God and what hes doing.  I just spent tonight writing this and talking to two people about spiritual things and I am feeling more uplifted than I have in a long time.  And my family is a wreck right now.  Praise the Lord for my joy and uplifting in this storm!

P.S.S.  The coolest thing happened last night after I posted that blog.  I was reading my book for small group and there was a line that talked about being companions with God or Jesus or something like that.  I'm sure you noticed that I sign each post with "companion in Christ."  When I read this it was a rather large encouragement and I thought it was cool :)

IWU and People From IWU... YOU NEED TO STOP!!!

All right.  This is a risky entry but I feel in needs to be said.  I am more than sick of this myself and I don't think I have even been all that much of a victim of it.  But I know many people that have.  I both apologize and warn you for this post may call you out.  Some of you may even find it offensive for this to be question, but for some reason its bugging me, and I know its bugged other people.

If I say one word about IWU I'm sure it will get your mind thinking.  Pressure.  IWU is constantly pushing, pressuring, persuading and guilting people into doing things.  Not just "IWU" as a university whole but the students and professors alike.

First I will just list a few of them that I have noticed and then I will finally mention the one thats concerning me most.  I'm sure you can relate and notice some of these.

1. Ring by Spring - C'mon, we have all heard it.  We have all joked about it.  This expression is so over used at IWU that people feel like if they don't marry before they leave college they will be single forever or marry someone inadequate.  I'm not going to go into obvious details as to why, but this pressures people into dating.  Not Good.

2. You need to get your double major, masters, doctorate... whatever.  No.  You don't.  This is not an IWU actually but is found there as well.  Think about it.  Our whole lives we were told that we need to go the next step in education in order to be "successful."  This is not really true.  Yes, at least a major will get you much better places than just a high school diploma.  But think about it, our parents and high school teachers pressured us to go to college, told us that we needed to.  Now, in college we have professors pressuring us to go to get a masters degree, telling us we need to.  I'm sure our masters teachers would tell us to get a doctorate.  Heres the thing.  You don't need school to be successful.  There are billionaires that dropped out of college -- Bill Gates.  You may be able to do exactly what you want after college without wasting more time and money going to get a Masters.  Your going to college for a reason hopefully, if you can do that reason after 4 years then do it.  Don't feel like you NEED to get a better degree and further your education.  Every university in the nation is telling their students to do it.  (Yes, this goes for the honors college students too, believe it or not, God's plan for you may not be to get a master's degree, and if Dr. Riggs says you should get a masters Degree but God says you should start working where you love, through Faith . . . I think you should choose God.)

3. Missions trips.  Gosh, I can't tell you how many times I feel like this ones been jammed down my throat at IWU.  I have nothing against missions trips short or long. But we are not, I repeat, WE ARE NOT ALL CALLED TO DO MISSIONS!  I feel like this is a huge issue at IWU.  We see speakers, videos, seminars, booths, posters, you name it that tell us to help people in other countries.  Let me tell you the best mission field is your next door neighbor.  Other countries send missionaries to America because we fail to do a good enough job ourselves.  I hate when there is this whole guilt trip to sign up for a missions trip, even more when they are telling you the reason you should is because they are fun.  No, you should absolutely not sign up for any kind of missions trip without God or because you think it will be fun.  God should be the one calling you to missions, not anyone from the pulpit.  I appreciate the effort and opportunities that IWU provides for us.  I do not appreciate being told at every corner that I am a bad person for not donating my summer to a missions organization for less than no profit (missions trips are expensive).  I also do not appreciate over glorifying people that do missions trips.  Bragging about how many trips you've done or what you did is not Godly at all.  There is a fine line between boasting and sharing God's glory.  Some people need to learn this.

4. Spiritual events or other outreach things.  Both of these things are great, both of these things are important.  As a matter of fact both are amazing in their own ways.  But again, these follow the same lines as missions trips.  Boasting, pressuring and guilting are bad.  Just because I am too busy to go to your prayer group, or I don't want to help you build houses for the poor does NOT make me un-Godly, or a bad person.  We are called to serve people.  We are not called to serve an individual.  Jesus did not help every person individually (well ok, he died for our sins yes, but we CAN'T do that).  Jesus did not meet every single need, he did not cure every single person.  He provided everyone with an example for us to follow.  We cannot help everyone that wants our help.  Do not guilt people into helping with something, they may honestly not be able to do it at the time.  And worse, what if you guilt someone into doing something who is not called for that task when there could have been someone that was called for that kind of thing and missed the opportunity because people are doing it for fun or the social aspect involved.

All right, I have beat around the bush enough.  And God hasn't told me to not say this or cause anything else to happen to prevent this.  I pray that this is in His will for me to address and bring up.  I am rather nervous about this because of the number of times I have seen this.  But I have seen this so much it has essentially fallen into a small talk category.

Guys... the asking people what God has done for you.  What is God doing for you.  What are you learning this summer.  What are you doing for God this summer.  What have you learned from God.  How are you growing this summer?   Tell me everything God has shown you, taught you, did for you etc. Where have you seen God? What are you doing to strengthen your relationship with God.  Questions like these and along these lines.  My question for you is why are you asking?  Are you asking for the right reasons?  Are you just trying to make small talk with everyone?  Are you trying to make yourself sound more spiritual by asking someone else about it?  Are you being nosey? Check yourself why are you asking, and should you be asking?  What will that person get from you asking?  Are you encouraging by asking? Discouraging by asking?  Motivating by asking?  Or guilting by asking?

Why does every seem to think that everyone else needs to be growing so much over the summer?  What happened to all these questions ALL YEAR?  Why is the summer so important?  If you ask me we should all be growing more while at our Christian University surrounded by people that supposedly share the same faith as us.  Are we not surrounded by spiritual events and outreach? Aren't these the perfect places to grow and learn?  So why summer?  Why does everyone have to find out some big emotional thing over the summer?  I worry that Christians are guilting other Christians into summer spirituality.  Just because someone is working somewhere, or traveling somewhere or doing something somewhere does not mean they are having some God to life changing experience.  Perhaps God isn't doing anything special in someone's life because he is preparing them.  Being asked and seing other people asked "What is God doing for you this summer, or how have you seen God this summer" could be incredibly discouraging and depressing if you are in a time where God is being silent.  Why can't someone just live through their summer living a normal life with God.  Why does there have to be something extra special happening to everyone these few months?  I for one am having a growing period and learning period with God to a new level and degree and I hope I am openly sharing this with you.  But now, I am beginning to feel like everyone is expecting EVERYONE to experience the same kind of growth that I am going through.  Why can't someone be in a wilderness experience all summer?  If someone said to us "well God isn't doing anything new in my life" after we asked them one of those questions we may frown at them and find ourselves holier than thou.  My friends, this is a very dangerous place to be.  We cannot understand God.  It is very likely that God could do "nothing" in our lives all summer because he wants us to purify us to move us to greater heights.  Perhaps a person is to lose their pleasure they experience in their devotional life so that God can show them something beyond what they are used to.  How on earth do you answer those questions if this is what you are going through?

My answer to that is, you can't.  You can't tell someone God isn't doing anything in your life.  First of all, God is always doing something in our lives even if it seems like nothing to us.  But we cannot explain that to another person and we certainly can't say nothing if you believe God is always doing something.  Instead we make something up, or bat around the question awkwardly.  For example.  Suzy is living her summer with God.  She hasn't heard from God in weeks.  She is reading her Bible daily, but nothing special.  She is going to church and small group, but nothing special.  She even serves at a local soup kitchen twice a week but nothing special. She hasn't heard anything from God, she hasn't learned anything new, she is just doing what she knows God wants her to do with a good heart.  Now, Jack walks up to Suzy and says "Hey Suze, what has God shown you this summer?"  Suzy knows that Jack has an intimate relationship with the Lord and that he just led 3 people to Christ in the last week.  Jack may even asked the question innocently but Suzy now feels guilty for not hearing the Lord.  So she tells Jack untruthfully "Well, I have really seen God lately.  I know I am exactly where he wants me to be.  Its so uplifting to be able to serve food to the hungry people.  I'm getting so much from my devotional time with God, and WOW I can't even tell you about small group."  Jack tells her that he is happy for her and will pray for her.  Suzy, feels guilty for letting Jack believe there is more going on in her life that there really is.  Suzy doesn't understand why she isn't growing closer to God, she knows that she is doing his will and she was feeling content.  Now she is unsure and wonders if she is doing something wrong.  Perhaps she even worries about her faith in general.  I mean, she did practically lie to Jack.

Now, why can't God's perfect plan for Suzy have been to live a devoted life for Him?  Why can't we have a normal nothing special summer?  Why does something amazing, extraordinary, or special happen to us during the summer time?  Many of us may be having the experience of a lifetime, others may be having the experience of a lifetime growing in God and faith.  I believe that the ones growing if faith will be hard to miss and will be sharing their new found God just like the others.  But why the pressure to "find God, and find him more than ever" this summer?  I have never seen in three years at IWU people frequently asking "Hey Suzy, whats God showing you this Fall?" What? Does God fall silent when we are at IWU?  Are we not allowed to have ridiculous growth and learn about God while attending classes.  That's ridiculous because I knew plenty of people this past year that had the Godly experience of a lifetime, and they may not be having it now over the summer.  I can't look at my facebook and not see multiple times "blah blah blah, work is great, blah blah school, blah blah, What is God showing you this summer?"  Uh... well, not much considering I am working 70 hours a week to pay for school, watching my siblings, going to church and small group, taking care of house work, fixing my car, oh and sleeping.  What are we looking for when we ask someone what is God doing for them?  I feel like some people are just asking it as something to say.  I warn you with using God's will questions as small talk.  How would you reply? Do you have a good answer? Is that good answer prideful? Or boastful?  Are you rubbing your experiences in?  Or are you inadvertently causing someone to feel guilty or doubt their walk?  Be careful asking everyone and anyone what God is doing for someone.  Especially if you can not easily answer it yourself.  God may not be doing anything for people, are you ready to hear that from them?  Can you accept that God may be showing you the world yet showing someone else nothing?  Is it ok for God to teach you, causing you to grow, yet remain silent and "distant" from your friend in order for THEM to grow?  Also, is it not possible that God is telling someone to wait in spiritual activities?  For me personally I can honestly tell you that there are many things that God has given me a passion for and desire to do.  However, I also feel that he is strongly telling me to wait and that it is not my time yet.  He wants me to finish school so that I can devote more time to my passions, desires, and perhaps calling.  Can you accept the fact that other people may be waiting in order to fully grow?  Are you trying to say that God needs to be giving someone some kind of incredible experience THIS summer?  Are you putting God in a box?  Do not tempt people to overspecialize their lack of growth. Just because you are having a life changing experience does not mean everyone has to be this summer as well.  Be careful when asking all your friends what God is doing for them this summer.  Perhaps some better questions might be "How are you doing this summer?  Is there anything you'd like me to pray for?  How are your devotions going this summer?  How is church and/or small group going.  Are you staying committed to the commands in God's word so that you can be open to him speaking and open to growth and learning?"  These questions may still cause guilt, but to me they seem to be a bit more fair.  You are not telling them/asking them anything that all Christians should be doing at all times regardless of how quiet God is.  It is ok to look out for one another, but do not pressure each other into finding a life changing amount of growth and learning this summer.  It may not be their time.  It may not be yours.

I hope that I have not overly offended any of you.  I am also not saying that we should be closed the possibility of God doing amazing things in our lives this summer.  I am saying that we should not be overspiritualizing the summer and expecting everyone to learn and grow beyond their normal rate.  God may be showing people, teaching people, and growing people as he is with me, but he also does not have to.  And her certainly does not have to do it the same way with each of us.  Be careful with God questions, consider what you are asking, consider the position you are placing the other person it.  Are you expecting something great and amazing or making small talk?  You don't want to be disappointed, and more than that, you don't want to disappoint or discourage the other person.  I worry most that we could discourage one another internally when we ask such questions.

I am sorry if I have placed any of you in a position where you felt obligated to say something that God was not actually doing.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zachary Haas