God Give Me. . . (Dear God 3)

Dear God,

Give me the strength to be what you need me to be.  Empower me beyond what I know is possible.  Grant me the words to speak, the letters to write, and the wisdom to do it in truth.  Help me to become what you want me to be.  Give me Jesus.  Make me like Jesus.  Help me to love, share, care, and serve like Jesus.  God help my friends to do the same.  Help me to influence those around me to become genuine, by making me genuine.  Give me the ability to live like Christians are supposed to.  Bless me with an ability to love beyond what I am capable of.  Genuineness  is what I need God.  Nothing I ever do will matter, not I ever do will stick, and nothing I ever do will sink if if I lack this trait.  Help me to live out every action of my life for you with integrity, without judging, without preference and without prejudice.  Give me a heart that only you can bestow.  Create in me a person that I could never hope to create myself.  Make me you, God.  Make me Jesus.  Here I am, Lord, prepare me, feed me, build me, strengthen me, impassion me, use me, send me.  Father, I need you, before I can ever truly be me.

Your son,
Zachary

Dear God 2

Dear God,

I don't even know where to start.  So many things have happened.  So many things have changed.  That which was once clear is now so dark and empty.  God what happened?  I thought that I had things figured out?  I thought that I was learning and growing.  More importantly, I thought that I was actually hearing you.  I thought I knew what you were telling me and I knew what I had to do.  Was I always wrong?  Was I just making things up and hearing what I wanted to hear?  Or was I really hearing you and I just confused it all myself.  God I am so lost now.  I was feeling really great that I was learning and growing and communicating with you so much.  But now, I don't know what to think.  Have I been fooling myself?  Have I just been making everything up to myself?

And what about recently . . . God we weren't on the greatest of terms.  Is it ok to sometimes actually hate your ways?  I know this sounds sacrilegious but don't we all at some point?  Perhaps hate is a strong word, but even Jesus didn't like the fact that he had to die on a cross.  Is it ok for me to severely dislike some of the laws of nature and other aspects like that?  Can I dislike the life that we are supposed to live and carry out because we are in a fallen world?  Can I be upset because things aren't perfect?  Is that ok?  God, I do not want to be upset with you or your ways.  I want to be happy and accepting, but right now I just feel so lost and confused.  How can all this be the result of so much seeking and learning?  How can so many things have changed in so little time.  All that I once loved is changing or gone completely.  God I know that we often face tests and trials but what is this?

Even now though Lord, I am humbled.  I am almost ashamed to believe that earlier today I was so upset with you and the way things were currently going in my life.  I was so angry because of the problems I was having and was becoming bitter towards everything.  But God, you humbled me showing me that my problems should be considered nothing when compared to what some other people are going through.  Yes my problems were real, yes my problems were shared by many, but my problems were more or less temporary.  God people are struggling with death and the loss of loved ones and friends.  I have lost a dear relationship, but no life has been lost.  God I can't imagine what these people are going through.  I am now ashamed to think that my problems were so "big" that I was hating your created world.

I am still lost Lord and confused beyond belief, but there are more important things that I need to pray for right now.  God you brought my sister back home from Florida but she has yet to change.  So there is that.  I know people who are dealing with a lost life of a friend and family member.  So theres that.  The issues in my life over the past few weeks are important God, but the issues of yesterday are so stupid and trivial compared to what other people are dealing with.

God I pray that you be with those closest to me that need comfort, rest, encouragement and just a relaxing presence from you.  But God I need some answers.  The biggest problem with needing answers is the fact that I thought I was getting some.  I thought I knew how to hear you, I thought I knew how to listen, but it is seeming like I was wrong.  What I heard from you was apparently wrong in a number of things in my life.  So I guess the first thing that needs to happen is change in me.  Change me to be able to hear what you are actually saying God.  I thought that you were being very clear to me and I thought that I had been seeing things that were for you and from you but I guess that I was sadly wrong.  God I really just don't know what to think or do right now.  Where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to do?  Clearly, I am still wrestling with you, despite having thought I was around that.

Amen.

Dear God

I know that we are not really supposed to ask why. But I really can't think of anything else to say. Perhaps instead of asking why and putting your immaculate name into question, I'll ask what. God, what are you doing? Has our family still not been through enough? Is there still more that we must go through? What more is there that can happen?

God, 6-8 years ago our father was injured an unable to work for years. We struggled and fought the court rooms. We nearly lost everything and were relying on the government, church and friends to get through. Lord, then you blessed us with a court settlement, after we had given up on it and moved on, of 250,000. Were we not respectful with this money and gave 25,000 to the church? We didn't waste the money, unless catching up on years of debt is waste. Is it not against your will to live in debt? So why again God? What is the reason for the recent injury? He loves the job that he is at for once. He is able to be home and make a reasonable income. Now we are struggling beyond belief and making sacrifices. First was cable, next is internet and cell phones. God I understand that these are not necessities for the most part, and that we can live without them but this is only the start. If only money were the issue things would be bad, but not so bad. And still God we are trying to keep out faith in you.

Lord, the situation with my sister is unfathomable. It is depressing enough to imagine a 16 year old girl raising a baby in this day and age. But now she thinks that she has everything figured out. She is moving away to the opposite side of the country to live with her “boyfriend” who probably couldn't care less about her in reality. The poor baby is going with them and is going to have to live in that situation. Gd this is producing so much stress, mixed with the lack of income. And still we are trying to keep our faith in you.

God the biggest thing now is the small stuff. Are not the big things enough to test us? Have we not already been tested enough? We are at risk of losing the house if Dad doesn't go back to work soon. I saw my parents growing closer through the pool. They were really enjoying themselves and swimming near daily. This was not only something fun for them but healthy. Now it has a crack in it a leaking. What was this for? Then, one of the cars gets a cracked windshield and the other an oil leak. What are these for? How much more faith do we need to show? How much more testing can we take?

God my mom is stressed beyond belief. And I think that my Dad is close to it, though he is better at hiding it. They are nearing desperation. God I personally am doing all right. But then again, my life is mostly good. I have the scholarships I need, the grades are fine, and I have an amazing girlfriend that brings me joy despite being in Spain. But I worry about my parents. They are struggling and are starting to do things just to make it to the next day without near insanity. These mild joys and entertainments cannot sustain them long. God, my family is falling apart around me and there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can do but continue to pray to you. But why have you fallen silent on our household? How can I find answers from you in other parts of my life while my own families house falls apart? God, please show us what you are doing. Show us your power, your will and your reason. I honestly don't know how much more our family can take. We are a broken people who have nothing left but you or hopelessness. Lord God, please save us from certain hopelessness. We are desperate to make it with you, let alone glow through you.

Your friend, brother, and servant Lord,

-Zachary Haas

P.S. Please pray passionately for my family. These trials are tremendous and are becoming more difficult nearly hourly. Thank you.