So where now?

For anyone that was slightly concerned after my last post, let me explain that life has slowed downed a little -- sorta.  At least I am able to get to a place in my head that isn't quite as "upset" with God.  You can probably use any version of upset you want.

Allow me to be real for a moment.  In the past month I have been very angry with God.  Angry to the point where I would use the word livid.  I wonder (and am fairly certain) if others have ever been that upset with God.  If we are honest with ourselves, how many of us have been so angry with God we didn't know what to do or think?  I can honestly say that I was so angry with God I would have yelled at Him in the face.  I know there are times in the Bible where people have complained to God and argued and debated with God, but I can't recall at any point someone actually yelling at God out of anger and frustration.  Point being, I am sure I am not the only one who has been furious with God.

Heres an interesting thing about me though, that almost causes me to believe in the once saved almost saved principle.  I think that I may be blessed with the spiritual gift of faith, or at least belief.  There is nothing that can happen in my life that will ever cause me to doubt that God exists and that he is there.  Not even being so angry that I would have probably gotten into a fist fight with Him.  (Interestingly enough, Jacob did in fact wrestle with God in some kind of physical manner).  No, I have never been able to convince myself that God is not real and that God is not there.  To some people this might sound like an amazing thing to have such faith.  However, let me re-inform everyone that Satan himself and all demons have COMPLETELY unshakable belief that God exists.  Yes, at times it is great to have faith in God in all circumstances no matter what, but let me tell you it is the exact opposite when you are angry with God.  Having unshakable belief that God can do anything in His all powerful awesomeness only feeds anger when you are pleading with Him for direction.  Thus when I am trying to figure out what God is doing and why in my life during the hard times, this faith can actually be difficult to work with.

That said, I have managed to work through at least some of the issues I was dealing with at the time of my last post.  I still don't have nearly everything answered, and actually have a few new interesting questions to think about, but none of which are as stressful as the ones of the past.  One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is not knowing how to do something.  Generally this applies to school work and academia.  I'm not talking about things that I can learn, I am talking about things that I can't figure out no matter how many hours I spend on them.  Things like this are the most discouraging, frustrating things that I ever deal with in life.  Not knowing how to do things brings me down to a level that nothing else can.  Not making progress on something after a long time depresses me in unimaginable ways.  This is what was weighing me down at my last post.

As I mentioned, I have moved on from the last post.  However, now I find myself and a new and curios life position.  Recently I had to register for classes, which of course is never easy of fun.  Well, this time I wanted to take a class in a major that I wasn't a part of and ended up having to talk to the chair of the department -- a Dr. Steve Lennox.  During our brief conversation I was able to finally talk to someone who would listen to what I might want to do with my life, and have the ability to respond in a useful way.  But I was challenged with something completely new.  I told him that the reason I wanted to take the class was because I was thinking of maybe coming back to get a minor in youth ministry.  To my surprise he asked me why I would "waste" my time doing that -- when I could just go to seminary and get a masters!  I told him that I thought you had to have a degree in ministry to do that he said no, all you need is a bachelors degree in anything.  Most of my mature(er) thinking life I have questioned the idea of working in a youth group in some form.  Unknown to probably anyone, this is actually part of the reason I came  to IWU.  I considered majoring in Youth Ministries in the first place, but felt as though God was telling me that I was allowed to make a decision and trust that He would be with me no matter what.  (This is something else I was seriously struggling with last post when I was hating my major classes).  I have never wanted to make Youth Pastoring my career.  I wanted to do it voluntarily as my ministry to God.  This obviously meant that I needed to make money somehow, and thats where Computer Science came in.  I don't know if a day has gone by that I have wondered if I made the right decision but I was trusting God.  Some people seem to have a problem with my aspirations.  They say things like you can't work in a ministry and not make it your full time career.  These people are naive and need to grow up, get a life, and leave their little bubble because you have a HUGE chunk of reality coming your way.  I know plenty of people that have become ministry leaders with NO training.  As a matter of fact, one of my life role models was my first youth pastor who had no real training in doing what he did.  Also, plenty of small churches do not hire people to work in their ministry and run solely on volunteers.

Anyway, after that little rant, what I am getting at is that I am at a very interesting point in my life.  I graduate in one semester and there are another number of roads to take.  Dr. Lennox told me that the question I need to think about now is whether or not I am called to youth ministry because if I am then nothing else will suffice, but if I am not then it will not work out.  I will have to commit a lot of prayer to this for sure.  Going to seminary was never something that I seriously thought about, but when he brought it up I couldn't help but become curious.  I could still come back and just get a minor in youth ministries as well, but he said that would actually be more expensive.  These are a couple of new things in my life that I need to think about for sure.  I know right now, the Youth Ministry class I am in right now, Youth Evangelism and Discipleship, has been one of my favorite, most inspiring, and motivating classes I have ever taken at college.  I can't help but think that this might mean something as well.

So, if you read all this I think that you should pray that God makes clear what the steps are that I should take.  I will be praying about this a lot.  Choosing to pursue ministry will mean a lot of changes in my life and will change probably a lot of my friendships.  These things are not things that bother me if I am certain God wants me to go there.  I think this decision might be a little bigger than trusting that God will be with me no matter what.  I think this one requires a little direction.  So with that, feel free to pray for me in this issue.  And thanks for reading.

My challenge to you is to pray honestly.  If you truly feel like I'm crazy for thinking that ministry is a direction I should take, then don't pray otherwise.  But if you think that I might be good at something like this, then pray indeed, and feel free to encourage me in this is well, support from others in a call to ministry is a big deal -- Dr. Lennox said that is a good sign, if people think you might be good at it.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
Zach Haas

Dear God 2

Dear God,

I don't even know where to start.  So many things have happened.  So many things have changed.  That which was once clear is now so dark and empty.  God what happened?  I thought that I had things figured out?  I thought that I was learning and growing.  More importantly, I thought that I was actually hearing you.  I thought I knew what you were telling me and I knew what I had to do.  Was I always wrong?  Was I just making things up and hearing what I wanted to hear?  Or was I really hearing you and I just confused it all myself.  God I am so lost now.  I was feeling really great that I was learning and growing and communicating with you so much.  But now, I don't know what to think.  Have I been fooling myself?  Have I just been making everything up to myself?

And what about recently . . . God we weren't on the greatest of terms.  Is it ok to sometimes actually hate your ways?  I know this sounds sacrilegious but don't we all at some point?  Perhaps hate is a strong word, but even Jesus didn't like the fact that he had to die on a cross.  Is it ok for me to severely dislike some of the laws of nature and other aspects like that?  Can I dislike the life that we are supposed to live and carry out because we are in a fallen world?  Can I be upset because things aren't perfect?  Is that ok?  God, I do not want to be upset with you or your ways.  I want to be happy and accepting, but right now I just feel so lost and confused.  How can all this be the result of so much seeking and learning?  How can so many things have changed in so little time.  All that I once loved is changing or gone completely.  God I know that we often face tests and trials but what is this?

Even now though Lord, I am humbled.  I am almost ashamed to believe that earlier today I was so upset with you and the way things were currently going in my life.  I was so angry because of the problems I was having and was becoming bitter towards everything.  But God, you humbled me showing me that my problems should be considered nothing when compared to what some other people are going through.  Yes my problems were real, yes my problems were shared by many, but my problems were more or less temporary.  God people are struggling with death and the loss of loved ones and friends.  I have lost a dear relationship, but no life has been lost.  God I can't imagine what these people are going through.  I am now ashamed to think that my problems were so "big" that I was hating your created world.

I am still lost Lord and confused beyond belief, but there are more important things that I need to pray for right now.  God you brought my sister back home from Florida but she has yet to change.  So there is that.  I know people who are dealing with a lost life of a friend and family member.  So theres that.  The issues in my life over the past few weeks are important God, but the issues of yesterday are so stupid and trivial compared to what other people are dealing with.

God I pray that you be with those closest to me that need comfort, rest, encouragement and just a relaxing presence from you.  But God I need some answers.  The biggest problem with needing answers is the fact that I thought I was getting some.  I thought I knew how to hear you, I thought I knew how to listen, but it is seeming like I was wrong.  What I heard from you was apparently wrong in a number of things in my life.  So I guess the first thing that needs to happen is change in me.  Change me to be able to hear what you are actually saying God.  I thought that you were being very clear to me and I thought that I had been seeing things that were for you and from you but I guess that I was sadly wrong.  God I really just don't know what to think or do right now.  Where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to do?  Clearly, I am still wrestling with you, despite having thought I was around that.

Amen.

An Attempt to Make Sense Out of Two Decades

All right, so I have barely been a live for two decades, which likely means I haven't actually thought about this for 20 years.  However, this is something that has bothered me for most of my life and I have never quite figured it out.  Now, with the help of my AMAZING NIV study Bible my church gave me 3 years ago I can make an attempt at making sense out of it.  First of all, let me show you the passage in the Bible.

Genesis 32:22-40 (New International Version)

Jacob Wrestles With God
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.

28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, [a] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, [b] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, [c] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

 I now ask, has anyone else noticed anything weird about this passage?  For some examples of “what in the world moments”: vs 24- WHAT? Try taking this verse out of context, knowing its God's word and your brain will explode. Let me get this straight. Jacob, decides to send everything and everyone across a river. Then, while Jacob is alone. Some man jumps him and starts fighting with him . . . until daybreak. This means that these two guys just randomly start fighting – for HOURS! The man, implied to be God, Jesus, or perhaps Angel (there is more debate to this than you might think) then decides that he can't over power Jacob (but the man is GOD??? WHAT?) and uses a “magic touch” to dislocate Jacob's hip. Since when is God weaker than humans and loses wrestling matches? Afterwards, the man asks to be let go because daybreak is approaching. Wait, so these guys randomly fight all night and now this guy wants to leave? But no... Jacob, who apparently figured out somehow that this man has spiritual power, demands a blessing. Wow, clearly Jacob was either very adamant or very stupid. I mean, the man already nearly ripped Jacob's leg off with a touch. Then, the man changes his name claiming that he “struggled with God and with men [Jesus?] and have overcome.” Jacob then claims to have seen God and lived. In the end, we see Jacob limping away permanently maimed. Ok... there is actually one last verse... and I am saying this with all respect and authority to God and his purpose... but vs. 32 is absolutely ridiculous. This claim is never mentioned in the Bible again, and we never see the Israelites doing this or anything ever again. One word to describe this entire passage would have to be sketchy. I cannot think of any other way to describe how I have felt about this passage my whole life; sketchy, confusing, and even weird. I am generally left with a bizarre “Why?”



Well, now that that is out of the way. I will try to explain what I have learned about this passage and its parts over the past 2 weeks. The past 7 weeks I have been attending a new young adult group at my church. We started with a book that we finished two weeks ago. This is where the passage about Jacob was rekindled in my life for the first time. The book talks about the wilderness and a silent God (something that I still have yet to put a blog about among other things that I think are cool). In the book, it actually uses Jacobs account found in Hosea.

Hosea 12:4-5 (New International Version)


4 He struggled with the angel and overcame him;
he wept and begged for his favor.
He found him at Bethel
and talked with him there-

5 the LORD God Almighty,
the LORD is his name of renown!

Just briefly mentioned in Hosea.  Basically, the book uses the example of Jacob wrestling with God alone as a way to express that we need to see our experiences in the wilderness as opportunities to wrestle with God. But as far as the Bible tells us Jacob didn't even know that he was wrestling God. I think this was a weaker argument in the book only because the Jacob wrestling passage is so strange and hard to follow.

Anyway, last week Wednesday was not the last time Jacob made a stand – in my mind . . . okOk, so apparently this passage is no going away from me anytime soon, even after 20-ish years. (By the way, the research my leader did was a little different than what I was looking for, he was very interested in 'who' exactly it was that Jacob was wrestling was and found information for a number of potential candidates for 'who'. This was interested and got us thinking but didn't really provide any more answers to my dilemma, though we were able to talk about the passage in general as well.)

Moving on to my personal point of view/findings. First of all Hosea said it was an Angel, but the NIV added the title of “Jacob Wrestles With God.” Something to note is that in the original Hebrew the word angel in Hosea often meant God or could be used to talk about God. My personal observance leads me to think that Jacob wrestled with Jesus. Jesus would be both 100% man and 100% God. This works with where Jacob got his name, Israel – because he struggled with God and with men and have overcome. Jesus, being 100% man may also have the limitations of man. This would allow Jacob to theoretically be able to win a wrestling match with him – or at least keep him at bay. The man, if Jesus, was then able to simply touch Jacob and inflict a wound that should have ended the fight. At this point I guess Jacob figured out that he wasn't dealing with an ordinary man. What man can cause such a wound, and then wish to be released because of daybreak? Jacob, after having being maimed for life and now risking death, holds on. Not only does Jacob hold on, but he demands to be blessed before letting go. Jacob was passionate. He knew what he wanted and he knew what God could do, he was going to do anything and give everything in order to be blessed by God. Jacob is then blessed and given a new name, Israel, on the spot (it's interesting to note that the name Jacob meant the ambitious deceiver). According to my study Bible, “He was persistent. God encourages persistence in all areas of our lives, including the spiritual. Where in your spiritual life do you need more persistence? Strong character develops as you struggle through tough conditions.” This is certainly one lesson that can be taken from this passage. My study Bible says about Hosea: “He constantly searched for God. Jacob wrestled with the angel in order to be blessed, but his descendants thought their blessings came from their own successes. Jacob purged his house of idols, but his descendants couldn't quit their idol worship.” I found this to be particularly interesting. This gives a purpose to the entire passage actually. This passage now shows where, why, and how Jacob was blessed. First Abraham was promised to be a father of many nations, and his grandson Jacob furthers the blessing here. The 12 tribes of Israel come from Jacob, and they were great and blessed indeed! This passage shows that Jacob was blessed by God for generations to come, however, the people forgot this and became proud of themselves for their well being and were punished frequently.

All this still does not give me any closure. I was once told that while studying the Bible you should ask yourself both what it meant to the people in the Bible, and what it means to me. Right now, I have answered what it means to the people in the Bible to some extent. But I am still left with questions and confusion. Why is this passage in the Bible? Am I supposed to wrestle with God? Is it all right to be persistent with God? Isn't this nagging? Surely God doesn't want us to be stubborn and fight with him until we get what we want. So what? What am I to take from this?

After some thought and prayer this is what I came up with. Yes, God wants us to be persistent. But he does not what us to be close-minded or nagging. We are even allowed to BEG for what we want; Jesus did to the point of sweating blood. God wants us to hold on and hold out. In the passage Jacob is physically wrestling with God to acquire a blessing, but there is some belief that he may have been emotionally wrestling. We wrestle with God issues in our mind all the time. Wrestling with issues does not mean that they are wrong and should be ignored. Neither should we accept defeat when it comes to wrestling with God. How often is God known to come right out and say things after the first prayer? Not very often. I think that this passage can also show us exactly how close God is to us when we are “wrestling.” God never leaves us or forsakes us, not even when we are wrestling with him. In fact, he is closer to us than ever while wrestling. Anyone who has ever seen two people wrestling knows that there is incredible amounts of contact going on . . . even to the point of being awkward. What encouragement this should be! While we are wrestling with God he is close. He is listening and he is possibly wrestling back putting up a “fight.” In the end, at God's time (daybreak, after 40 days in the wilderness, after 40 years in the desert) he will give us what we want or need. Sometimes we need to wrestle our way to what we want so that we can appreciate it and know that it was from God and not our own strength.

On a more personal note, I have sometimes felt like I was wrestling with God through temptation. I bet some of you have been in similar situations where you KNEW that something was wrong yet you really, really wanted to do it anyway. For me, it was like I could almost feel myself physically wrestling with God. I could almost feel Him holding me back while I was saying “No, God. I know this is wrong but I want it so badly.” In this case God did not give up. I have even given into God out of anger. This may sound weird, but I have even gotten to the point before where I was like “FINE GOD! I WON'T DO IT. JUST FOR YOU. REMEMBER THIS GOD, I DID THIS FOR YOU AGAINST MY WILL.” This is kind of like a Jonah, I did the right thing but with the wrong heart. Other times temptation strikes and I will wrestle with God for help. In this case, we are more on the same team wrestling against something bad. It reminds me of the Lifehouse video that most of us have seen where the girl is like reaching for Jesus but is being held back. Either way, I think that the word wrestling certainly is a good word to use in these situations.

My challenge for you now is to think of time where you have wrestled with God. What was the outcome? Are you wrestling now? What outcome do YOU want? Would that outcome be God honoring? Do you realize that wrestling with God is not necessarily a bad thing?

Thanks for reading. Its been a while since I posted so I guess this long one is forgivable.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,

-Zachary Haas

Who is God to ME?

After about an hour of messing with the new template creator, I decided it was time to actually write the post for today.  Naturally after a distraction comes a disaster so my computer decided to freeze.  Anyway, I have something a little more thoughtful that I want to write about soon, but due to time I'll be saving that for a later date.

For today I want to talk about something that I first first thought about during the during summit 2010.  Yes I am sure that we all remember it, the one that made the sheltered home-schoolers mouths hit the floor.  Anyway, I am not sure that what I started thinking about has anything to do with the messages, but it has to do with the person of God.  Who is he exactly?  And more specifically, what is he to me?

We have all heard the Christian God called numerous things as we've grown up.  Jehovah (provider), Father, Counselor, Friend, Alpha and Omega, Yahweh (divine, more personal name for God), King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Elyon (most high), Prince of Peace, and maybe even Allah.  However, I was realizing that God has each of these names for a reason.  Each person looks at God as a little bit different.  Many people look to God to fill something that is missing in their lives.  As a matter of fact, a popular atheistic stance is that God isn't real because he is just a wonderful illusion of something that we don't have, or something that we want.  So I began thinking what is God to me, and how do I treat him?

For the record, I do not believe God is any one of these things.  The truth is the opposite -- God is all of the above.  God made all these things and many of them already have places on Earth.  We have fathers, and kings and counselors and friends.  So why do we call God these things?  I believe we call him these things because these are what we hold as most dear and powerful.  To a child, no one is greater than daddy, not even a different daddy comes close.  To a servant no one is greater than his king, lord, or master.  We use these words to describe God because we have nothing better.  Our minds can not comprehend words to describe how great God really is so we give him what is greatest to us.  That said, there is nothing wrong with giving God any of these titles.

Friend -- what God is to me.  Many of you may have heard me use the phrase "God and I have a special friendship relationship."  I do not know if I am entirely right or nearing heresy, but I enjoy having God be a friend and treat him as such.  I occasionally joke around with God and make humorous statements concerning Him or something about Him.  I even sometimes pretend to predict what God what say.  Something I might say is "God is probably like... well that was a dumb move wasn't it?" Or something along those lines.  It is ok to have fun with God?  It's no different than I would treat myself.  If God made us according to His own image, shouldn't that mean that God also has a sense of humor?  I believe that it does.  I also believe that there is a degree of appropriateness.  It would be foolish to mock the Lord or to try and make him appear out of control or less powerful than he is.  But I have not felt convicted nor have I developed any terrible diseases or gotten hit by lightning lately so for now I believe I am ok.

The problem is this.  Sometimes it is easy to look at God as a friend.  Friends can be viewed too easily as equals.  I think that there have been times in my life that I have placed God into the friend box ignoring the fact that he is much more.  I don't think that it's something I really struggle with but I am sure there have been times.  It's important to remember that God is a few more things.

Lord-- is probably the easiest one for me to see God as.  When I think of the word Lord I think about savior.  I think about how he is the one who is going to save me when all is said and done.  The Lord will have mercy on me in the end and he, through Jesus, will be the one welcoming me into heaven.

King-- is one I may struggle with most.  A king is someone who rules over you.  He essentially has the right to tell you exactly what to do.  Going against the king and his will results in death in most cases.  This is the same way God as king works.  However, he is also a forgiving king who gives mercy.  God places rules and boundaries in our lives.  He wants us to be his willful servants, not forced slaves.  He also wants his servants to build his kingdom.  I highly doubt that I am alone when I say this is a tough person to have God be.  How often do we care more about our own personal kingdoms than God's?  I know that there have been times in my life when I was not building God's kingdom.  Every time we conform to the ways of our non-Christian, or even Christian friends we are not building God's kingdom.  Unfortunately, there is way to much of the denying Peter in most all of us.  A king is also to be respected and honored by his people.  If God is our King how much more should he be honored and respected?  When we become like the people of this worldly kingdom, we are not respecting and honoring the heavenly kingdom of God.  Seeing God as my king is something I still need to work on at times.

Many of the characters of God are easier to see and accept for me.  I can see God as Jehovah and all the things he provides for me.  I can see him as the one true divine Lord, Yahweh.  He is my beginning and end, counselor and father.  I need to remember daily that God is all these things to me and more.  I need to be able to give God the respect and honor that he deserves in each of these positions.  It is important to make sure that we are not accidentally looking at God as only one of the above.  I need to make sure I am not limiting God by confining Him to one area or another.  All parts of my life need to be dictated and mandated by Him and through Him.  There is no one like my God.  What about yours?

I challenge you to think of as many things/names/descriptions as you can for God.  Then see how you line up with each.  Do you see God as a father but struggle to see him as Lord?  Or do you see him as a counselor who is there to fix your problems but forget that he is your creator?  Ask yourself which relationship is easiest for you to have with God, which one is most common, and then which relationship is hardest, or least common, in your life.  Perhaps you will find something in your walk that you have never noticed before.

My prayers are with you all, thank you for reading :)

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zachary Haas