Behind Every Man is a Woman

DISCLAIMER: I am not saying or supporting the idea that everything is a woman's fault, responsibility and problem. Nor am I saying that women are bad or any such matter. The topic just happens to focus on girls and their power.

This blog is actually based of a devotional that I gave to my youth group a couple of weeks ago. It was my second attempt at giving a devotional and it went well enough had some discussion questions that I and the other leaders tried to answer. I wanted to make this blog before the devo, as it would have allowed me to put more study and focus into the idea before presenting it. That obviously didn't happen as I am writing this as an after thought.

I started thinking about this topic a couple of months ago. We all know the old adage “Behind every great man there is a great woman.” This phrase is thought to have been coined during the feminist movement during the 1960s and 70s where similar slogans such as “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” also started. This of course is a very literal interpretation of the quote. I have slightly changed the original quote and came up with a new one. “Every great man can fall to the power of women.” My first thoughts on the topic immediately went to three famous great men: Samson, Samuel, and David.

1 Kings 11 tells the story of Solomon's fall. Earlier on God had told the people to refrain from marrying women from foreign nations. He knew that they worships false gods and idols and He wanted to protect His people from such evils. The Bible tells us that Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines that led him astray. This passage also repeats that God had told the people not to intermarry women from certain tribes “because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods” (verse 2). So what? Some guy fails because he has a bunch of wives, whats the big deal? Well, Solomon wasn't just some guy. First of all, he was the son of the great King David, a man who God said was after His own heart. David had served the Lord faithfully and diligently . . . though not perfectly as I shall mention later. Secondly, Solomon was given the chance to ask God for anything he wanted. His choice, was wisdom. Solomon was the wisest person who had ever lived. If the wisest person to ever live was influenced and lost his way to women, how much more so can the every day guy of the 21^st century? Knowing God and the Bible more than any other person does not make you invisible.

The story of Samson's fall can be found in Judges 16. Samson was given physical strength from God. The only catch was that Samson could not cut his hair. (Sound a little like the modern day Rapunzel story eh?) If his hair was cut, he would lose his strength and be like a normal man. After a while of ruling the people and killing hundreds of evil Philistines, Samson meets a girl by the name of Delilah. It should be noted now that Samson is quite possibly one of the least wise people of all time. He quickly fell in love with Delilah, but she was evil and bribed by the Philistines. She told Samson that if he loved her then he would tell her the secret to his strength . . . because apparently there had to be a secret to his strength? Ever wonder where authors and producers get all their ideas – the Bible. Anyway, Samson lied to her three times telling her different ways to remove his strength. Each time Delilah tried it and found out it didn't work. Samson, being the idiot that he was, knowing that she had already tried his other three lies, eventually tells her the truth on the fourth round. She again tests his word and this time Samson loses his strength. He thought that he was in love and gave her everything, including his sacred gift from God. Great physical strength was taken by a seductive woman.

I already mentioned that God considered David as a man after His own heart. In 2 Samuel 11 we can find David's downfall. Prior to this David had become the second Kind to God's people. He slew a giant named Goliath, and married a princess. He was famous and successful. Unlike the other two stories, it can be argued that David's downfall was all his fault and the woman was more innocent. David had actually been setting himself up to fail. His men were out fighting while he stayed back. I found out that David had actually done a number of things prior to his fall that he should not have done. Anyway, the Bible does not provide with a lot of details of how it happened, but David saw Bathsheba bathing from his roof. He asked about her and discovered she was married to a man in David's army – Uriah. This did not stop him and David summoned her, slept with her, and got her pregnant. Some Bible scholars say that Bathsheba did not have a choice in the matter. David was king, and what a king wanted a king got. Could Bathsheba have done something different? Perhaps. Was it her fault this all happened? Perhaps not. Regardless, it was a woman that took a mighty God loving king and made him an adulterer and a murder (he later killed Uriah to hid his sin). Even the most God loving man fell to the beauty of a woman. How can a normal man be expected to act any differently?

Matthew 5:27-28 essentially tells us that looking is lust. This is where the devotional got a little shaky. Teenage girls have a hard time understanding why guys act the way they do. Men are very visually stimulated. It's why the porn industry is so big. I wrote a satirical paper about how women often dress too immodestly even if they are being unintentional. It is hard to explain to a teenage girl that the way she dresses is not helping her Christian brothers. Try getting around the idea that bikinis are probably never a good idea and strapless or low cut dresses and shirts perhaps equally as much. I have heard people say to guys use your imagination in an innocent way. However, it is my belief that probably all guys have an incredible and evil imagination.

The purpose behind all this is to try and let girls know that they have power. Power that they can easily abuse. Obviously, encouraging females to abuse their power over a man is not the purpose of this topic. Instead, it is to make girls wary of what they might be doing to their Christian brothers. It was also difficult to explain that yes, men do need to step up and be men and control themselves. Men should not be looking in the wrong places or setting themselves up to fail. But I just mentioned three gifted extra special men selected by God who all fell to a woman and/or her influence. Is it fair to women who are trying to innocently dress in something they find comfortable or something they think they look good in? No. But a fair is simply a place where pigs go to get ribbons. Being unfair does not change the reality of the situation. Women need to be conscious of what they can do to men, no matter how smart, strong, attractive, or “perfect” a man (or boy) is.

My challenge this time is simple. Are you living in a way that is uplifting and encouraging to your peers and brothers and sisters in Christ? Though it is less common, the opposite is possible and a man could be the one influencing a girl.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zach Haas

Light Up the Sky. So I can Find You.

I really want to write a post about dating and my thoughts/experiences with the entire subject.  I want to because it has been an interesting topic surrounding me and the people I am closest to on campus.  However, when I started to write about it I did not feel spirit led at the time and decided to stop.  I do feel like writing something tonight, but I guess that was not the topic I was suppose to write about yet.  Something I will get to in the future I suppose.  So what should be the topic today?  Well, I once made a list, so I'll check that now.  Hm... I kind of want a shorter topic than anything on my list . . . Okay God now what.

Well, all I can think of right now is a song that I have been singing and listening to a lot lately.  I first heard it at God's House almost two weeks ago. It's called "Light up the Sky" by The Afters.  I posted the lyrics below:

When I’m feeling all alone and so far to go

The signs are nowhere on this road guiding me home

When the night is closing in
It’s falling on my skin
Oh God will You come close

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don’t feel them shining
When I can’t see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I’ve almost reached the end
Like a flood You’re rushing in
Love is rushing in

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

So I run straight to Your arms
You’re the bright and morning Sun
To show Your love, there’s nothing You won’t do

Light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
 

When I first hear this song I really liked it.  I mean really, who hasn't felt like they were completely lost?  This semester has especially been difficult on me.  I am approaching an intersection with an infinite number of junctions in my life.  My choices will dramatically shape the rest of my life.  I could certainly use a light to show me the way.  Amidst all my future decisions there is my current life that I have to deal with.  There is stress from every angle and relationships to deal with.  This is potentially the last time that I will be around so many people so often.  Then of course there is homework and one of my worst class schedules ever.  I miss my 3 night classes a week semester.  Sometimes we really just want to call out to God and say "God, please just light up the sky, let me see you for just a moment.  I know that I cannot deny your presence and you love, but I could really use a sign.  I could really use a God hug right now."  It is a really cool feeling when God allows us to see him a little bit brighter for just a moment.  No other feeling like it.  Actually, (though this is sort of off topic and unrelated) I kind of believe in a God "high," exactly like how drugs work.  At least in my life I have experienced states of near euphoria (probably actually euphoria) from being in close proximity with God.  I really like the idea of not being able to see past our doubt.  I don't think that we are actually doubting God or his power in these cases, we just get so hung up on ourselves and our own problems that we block our own vision.  We never doubt that God is there and that he's with us perhaps, but we can't see him because we don't really want to and would rather be self-pitying.  Of course, it is somewhere in there that we realize how dumb we are being and God can consume us like a flood.  Cue flooding eyes.  I also really like the idea of running to God.  When I am feeling really really stressed sometimes I actually want to just run away.  Run away and find God and just let Him catch me -- kind of like in the movies when a girl runs to a guy.  Maybe I am extra sensitive to the idea of runnign because I used to be a runner, but I think it's more the idea of running away from my problems and finding God.  I have rarely actually physically ran.  However, I have done a mental equivalent frequently enough.  I have actually imagined myself running through a jungle seeking Jesus.  It's like He's on the other side calling out my name.  With every step I get closer and closer.  I throw branches and vines out of my way getting closer.  Then finally I break through the trees and see Him standing there smiling with wide open arms.  This is one of my favorite things to day dream about when I am stressed.  That is when I see that God is right there with me, and I am with Him.  It's quite the rush.

My challenge now is to just stop and think.  Where is God for you?  Is it walking on a beach holding His hand like in the footprints posters?  Is it in the passengers seat on a long drive through the country?  Is it on top of a mountain after a long hike?  Either way, stop and think about fighting through your struggles, problems, and worries to get to Jesus.  He is right there waiting on the other side.  You just have to make it to Him and then let Him take them all away.  Throw your arms around Him and whisper "I love you."  To which He will embrace you full force and reply,"I have always loved you, I made you perfectly, I will always love you, and I will never leave you."

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,

-Zach Haas

What is the Hardest Thing to Give to God? -- Investments

This post is one that I have only recently thought about and considered writing.  It kind of came to me suddenly.  This semester has consisted of me having to give a number of things to God.  Many of you may even think you know what "investment" I may be thinking of for this post.  However, you are only partially right I am sure.  We all have our secret investments, our secret sins, our private life that no one but God knows about.  For some people these little investments might be alcohol, drugs, pornography, overeating, or even religion.  I am thus defining an "investment" as anything that we place a lot of time and effort into.  You can think of it economically if you want.  When you make an investment you are often putting a lot of money into something.  Overtime this money accumulates and increases.  The more time and money you put into the bigger and more important the investment is.  This works the same with our secret sins.

I plan to be very blunt, truthful, and open with this post (well to most extents I think).  I am not sure what I am getting into, but I do know that I have recently thought of another life philosophy -- what may be over my head is never over God's head.  My sudden reason for writing this blog is because I have recently given an entire investment over to God.  I know many people who would think I am referring to relationships.  To some extent these people would be right, but this has not been my only investment in my life.  I do not feel the need to share my investment that I gave to God and thus will not.

There is something peculiar about giving investments to God.  I think this is why they are the hardest thing to give to God.  People give things to God all the time.  Sometimes we give life decisions, sometimes we give money, time, or service, sometimes we give small habits or things that are beyond our control to God.  While these things may very well be difficult to give fully to God, I still don't think they are as difficult to hand over.  Investments are things that we hold very close to our very soul.  If we investing ourselves in worldly things, there is no room to fully invest in Jesus.  This is a huge problem, as nothing should consume us more than the spirit of God.  Yet, I think that many people in the world cling to these investments nearly as much as they cling to life itself.  Investments are something we have given significant portions of our lives to.  They are obsessions; they are addictions.  Getting the picture yet?  Investments are nearly impossible to give to God.  Why?  Because giving investments equate to literally giving ourselves to God.  Think about it this way.  What would it take to give away your entire life's savings that you have been saving up for thirty years.  You have worked hard to save up and have spent considerable amounts of time finding ways to increase your investment.  Your hard work has paid off and you have a substantial investment that only continues to grow.  Heres the thing with sinful investments -- they never ever decline.  I would go so far as to say that they cannot decline.  Perhaps for a time we can ignore our sinful investments and they will remain stagnant, but I don't think they will ever shrink unless we fully give them to God and tell Him our life is completely His.  Let me explain a few ways that I have personally failed to give investments to God.

First, I have tried to bargain with God.  I'll call this the negative interest or declining balance approach to giving investments.  This view makes it seem like you are trying to pay off a debt to God by slowly getting closer to nothing.  Here's the problem, even if we ever managed to get this investment down to zero, the account is still open.  We then refill it and even sometimes fill it more than before.  I told God something along the lines of "Okay God, I know you want this, and I know you want all of this, but I am not ready to give it to you fully.  So here's the deal, I will give you a little bit here and there until it is gone."  Anyone else think this is a totally daft idea?  Before you judge me, consider yourself if you have ever made such notions with God.  Have you ever tried to give a little bit to God thinking that something is better than nothing?  Here's the thing, if all sins are equal in God's eyes, then giving Him a little is not what he wants.  This would be like giving a starving child nothing but water.  The child will still die from lack of food.  At first it looks like we are helping the child, but in reality we are doing him no good.  The other problem I have found with giving God a little bit at a time is interest.  I found that the more I tried to give God little bits the faster my interest in my investment increased.  Clearly giving God a little bit at a time hoping to reach the end is not going to work.  It also does not work to just say okay, I have what I have and when that is gone then no more.  Have you ever seen a smoker say this is my last pack of cigarettes ever, and then buy more anyway?  It's the same idea.

Second, I have tried ignoring the investment.  It's kind of like trying to bury something and then try to forget where you buried it.  You know that it's still there, and you know exactly where you buried it.  I'll call this the out of sight out of mind approach to giving investments.  This actually proved to be a pretty effective method -- at first.  It's easy to give something up for a little while.  All you have to do is remain in constant proximity to God and keep ignoring the overturned soil in the back yard.  This method would work fine perhaps if the investment actually wasn't gone.  In fact, you really just have a full account opened without interest gain.  It is true that your investment isn't getting any worse, but it isn't getting any better either.  Eventually like a dog looking for a bone I dug up my old investments.  I wasn't able to ignore it forever.  This also doesn't seem to work as a method for investment elimination.

The third and final method I have tried is just throwing the investment away.  This is the concept of just quitting right away and getting rid of everything at once.  I'll call this the cold turkey approach to giving investments.  We have all heard storied of how people tried quitting an addiction cold turkey, but failed after a disappointingly short amount of time.  This works the same for sinful investments.  The problem with this approach is similar to the declining balance approach.  I emptied the account, but the account was still open.  Throwing everything away at once brings immediate satisfaction.  We feel like a success and we feel like we have won a victory for God over Satan.  However, Satan doesn't quit.  He knows the account is still open, and he knows that we know how to refill the emptied investment.  A smoker who flushes all their cigarettes down the toilet still knows how to go to the store and buy more.  This approach has only best motives at heart, but sometimes it is just very hard to quit cold turkey.

I am now left with the method that actually works to give God investments.  I'll call it the noway approach to giving investments.  Wait . . . the "noway" approach?  Does that mean there is no way to give God investments?  Well, I know that cannot be the truth, but I really have not found a way to completely give God the investments we have created.  The biggest problem is I cannot find a method to close the account.  Any way I look at it I cannot force myself to keep the balance at zero, hide the account permanently, or forget how to refill it.  So what, is everything hopeless?  No.  Are we doomed to suffer with out addictions forever?  Well, to some extent I believe the answer is yes.  After we allow an addiction into our lives there is some kind permanent hole drilled into us.  We can try to repair the hole or cover it up, but it is forever going to be weaker.  The only thing that can permanently change these self inflicted holes is by God.  However, God does not always just fix our holes.  God doesn't eliminate our sinful nature and our sinful desires as long as we live on this earth.  All we can do is humble ourselves before God, give Him the investment we have been holding onto, and then trust Him to give us strength to carry on.  Obviously God understands our slip ups and backsliding.  He knows that He didn't make us perfect.  However, our imperfection is not an excuse to give up on moving forward.

At this point you might be asking yourself the question "how can I say I gave God my 'investment' if I don't have a successful method of doing that"?  Well, the answer is that I am going to try.  I think my approach now is a combination of method two, three, and four.  Is this approach really any different than the ones I have used in the past? Not really.  Insanity has been defined as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  However, I don't think that this definition works with God.  God will not be defined by any human definitions.  People are constantly praying to God for the same things expecting different results, and guess what, God does give different results.  Now, obviously there are some things that I will try to do differently with this attempt to give up my investment, but I cannot think of anything substantial.  For some people accountability groups, support groups, and groups of people dealing with similar investments might provide help.  I cannot close my account after making an investment, but God can.  As a matter of fact, God is the only one who can close the account, and even then I don't know that he would ever make you forget the account existed.

Interestingly enough, the idea of God changing our perspective on the situation (investment) might be a great approach.  I remember a few semesters ago sitting in a special chapel (summit) given Dave Ward. (it was 9/10/08 if you are interested in looking it up.)  Yes, I did just spend 30 minutes finding the part of the sermon to make sure.  I also think I probably should have listened to the whole message before writing this.  One of the messages he gave he talked about a major pornography addiction that he had.  At one point he mentioned that he was traveling to an adult bookstore praying to God about how he didn't want to do it.  He got to the bookstore and heard a worship song there on the secular radio.  He said the books seemed to fade away and become unappealing.  On his drive back home God gave him such a distaste for pornography that he ended up throwing up so bad he had to pull over and continue to empty his system.  Dave Ward explained that God wants everyone to be sanctified.  For Dave, God gave him a complete change of attitude toward his addiction and investment.  At that point Dave was cured.  I believe that God has the power to change our perspectives and attitudes.  This is the way to eliminate and give our investments to God.  We need to be repulsed of our sinful acts and give them entirely to God.

I feel that I still have not adequately explained what an investment is or the power that they hold.  The best I can explain an investment is by comparing it to a tumor.  Not just any tumor, but a tumor that is guaranteed to cause more immediate pain removing it than keeping it.  We know that in the long run removal is going to be better for us, but we are too afraid of the initial pain of letting it go.  Instead we let the tumor grow, perhaps even out of control.  Eventually we are completely driven by fear and we are actually feeding the tumor.  Perhaps the tumor even begins to infect other parts of our bodies.  God wants to take away this tumor from us, but he wants us to give it to Him.  In some cases God may make the initiative and take the tumors away from us, but often He waits for us to call on Him.  However, unlike a tumor, an investment actually gives us some kind of pleasure or satisfaction.  We know that we can never obtain true satisfaction from God as long as we have this investment, but giving it away just seems too painful.  We are afraid of letting go of our commitment.  Perhaps we have spent so much time on this investment it doesn't seem worth it to give it all away.  We instead tell God that He has to work around it.  We expect that we can live life, and live it to the full doing our thing and God's.  This is obviously not true, but we as humans often miss the obvious or completely reject the obvious.  I know that I cannot be the only person that has ever struggled with a long term investment.  God calls everyone to give their investments, addictions, and habits to Him.  I hate the idea of wasting time.  I am a big video game lover.  To me, giving up an investment is like erasing a game that I have had 80 hours invested into. (My brother has done this to me at least once)  You feel like you have completely lost 80 hours of your life.  If I want to get that far again I have to dedicate another 80 hours doing something I have already done.  perhaps 80 hours is a bit exaggerated for a video game . . . but I don't believe it is an exaggeration for a sinful investment.  This is exactly why it hurts so much and why it is so hard to give up investments.

I know this post is really long.  What else is new.  Besides, I recently wrote some advice to a thirteen year old that was longer.  I just feel that this issue is more important and bigger than most people realize.  Perhaps many people don't even realize they are making an investment against God.  These things are worldly, life consuming, dedications to The Enemy.  We must invest in the only true investment worth making -- the investment in the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

My challenge this time is an obvious one.  Check your life.  What investments against God have you been making?  What addictions are you feeding and consuming your life with?  What do you spend hours on that doesn't glorify God?  Give them to God, and give them in the full.  Rid yourself of these secret sins and give them God.  God can purify us; God can purge us.  Only then can we truly invest fully in the Kingdom of God.  I think I will pray for repulsion against my investments, how about you?

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zach Haas

So where now?

For anyone that was slightly concerned after my last post, let me explain that life has slowed downed a little -- sorta.  At least I am able to get to a place in my head that isn't quite as "upset" with God.  You can probably use any version of upset you want.

Allow me to be real for a moment.  In the past month I have been very angry with God.  Angry to the point where I would use the word livid.  I wonder (and am fairly certain) if others have ever been that upset with God.  If we are honest with ourselves, how many of us have been so angry with God we didn't know what to do or think?  I can honestly say that I was so angry with God I would have yelled at Him in the face.  I know there are times in the Bible where people have complained to God and argued and debated with God, but I can't recall at any point someone actually yelling at God out of anger and frustration.  Point being, I am sure I am not the only one who has been furious with God.

Heres an interesting thing about me though, that almost causes me to believe in the once saved almost saved principle.  I think that I may be blessed with the spiritual gift of faith, or at least belief.  There is nothing that can happen in my life that will ever cause me to doubt that God exists and that he is there.  Not even being so angry that I would have probably gotten into a fist fight with Him.  (Interestingly enough, Jacob did in fact wrestle with God in some kind of physical manner).  No, I have never been able to convince myself that God is not real and that God is not there.  To some people this might sound like an amazing thing to have such faith.  However, let me re-inform everyone that Satan himself and all demons have COMPLETELY unshakable belief that God exists.  Yes, at times it is great to have faith in God in all circumstances no matter what, but let me tell you it is the exact opposite when you are angry with God.  Having unshakable belief that God can do anything in His all powerful awesomeness only feeds anger when you are pleading with Him for direction.  Thus when I am trying to figure out what God is doing and why in my life during the hard times, this faith can actually be difficult to work with.

That said, I have managed to work through at least some of the issues I was dealing with at the time of my last post.  I still don't have nearly everything answered, and actually have a few new interesting questions to think about, but none of which are as stressful as the ones of the past.  One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is not knowing how to do something.  Generally this applies to school work and academia.  I'm not talking about things that I can learn, I am talking about things that I can't figure out no matter how many hours I spend on them.  Things like this are the most discouraging, frustrating things that I ever deal with in life.  Not knowing how to do things brings me down to a level that nothing else can.  Not making progress on something after a long time depresses me in unimaginable ways.  This is what was weighing me down at my last post.

As I mentioned, I have moved on from the last post.  However, now I find myself and a new and curios life position.  Recently I had to register for classes, which of course is never easy of fun.  Well, this time I wanted to take a class in a major that I wasn't a part of and ended up having to talk to the chair of the department -- a Dr. Steve Lennox.  During our brief conversation I was able to finally talk to someone who would listen to what I might want to do with my life, and have the ability to respond in a useful way.  But I was challenged with something completely new.  I told him that the reason I wanted to take the class was because I was thinking of maybe coming back to get a minor in youth ministry.  To my surprise he asked me why I would "waste" my time doing that -- when I could just go to seminary and get a masters!  I told him that I thought you had to have a degree in ministry to do that he said no, all you need is a bachelors degree in anything.  Most of my mature(er) thinking life I have questioned the idea of working in a youth group in some form.  Unknown to probably anyone, this is actually part of the reason I came  to IWU.  I considered majoring in Youth Ministries in the first place, but felt as though God was telling me that I was allowed to make a decision and trust that He would be with me no matter what.  (This is something else I was seriously struggling with last post when I was hating my major classes).  I have never wanted to make Youth Pastoring my career.  I wanted to do it voluntarily as my ministry to God.  This obviously meant that I needed to make money somehow, and thats where Computer Science came in.  I don't know if a day has gone by that I have wondered if I made the right decision but I was trusting God.  Some people seem to have a problem with my aspirations.  They say things like you can't work in a ministry and not make it your full time career.  These people are naive and need to grow up, get a life, and leave their little bubble because you have a HUGE chunk of reality coming your way.  I know plenty of people that have become ministry leaders with NO training.  As a matter of fact, one of my life role models was my first youth pastor who had no real training in doing what he did.  Also, plenty of small churches do not hire people to work in their ministry and run solely on volunteers.

Anyway, after that little rant, what I am getting at is that I am at a very interesting point in my life.  I graduate in one semester and there are another number of roads to take.  Dr. Lennox told me that the question I need to think about now is whether or not I am called to youth ministry because if I am then nothing else will suffice, but if I am not then it will not work out.  I will have to commit a lot of prayer to this for sure.  Going to seminary was never something that I seriously thought about, but when he brought it up I couldn't help but become curious.  I could still come back and just get a minor in youth ministries as well, but he said that would actually be more expensive.  These are a couple of new things in my life that I need to think about for sure.  I know right now, the Youth Ministry class I am in right now, Youth Evangelism and Discipleship, has been one of my favorite, most inspiring, and motivating classes I have ever taken at college.  I can't help but think that this might mean something as well.

So, if you read all this I think that you should pray that God makes clear what the steps are that I should take.  I will be praying about this a lot.  Choosing to pursue ministry will mean a lot of changes in my life and will change probably a lot of my friendships.  These things are not things that bother me if I am certain God wants me to go there.  I think this decision might be a little bigger than trusting that God will be with me no matter what.  I think this one requires a little direction.  So with that, feel free to pray for me in this issue.  And thanks for reading.

My challenge to you is to pray honestly.  If you truly feel like I'm crazy for thinking that ministry is a direction I should take, then don't pray otherwise.  But if you think that I might be good at something like this, then pray indeed, and feel free to encourage me in this is well, support from others in a call to ministry is a big deal -- Dr. Lennox said that is a good sign, if people think you might be good at it.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
Zach Haas

Dear God 2

Dear God,

I don't even know where to start.  So many things have happened.  So many things have changed.  That which was once clear is now so dark and empty.  God what happened?  I thought that I had things figured out?  I thought that I was learning and growing.  More importantly, I thought that I was actually hearing you.  I thought I knew what you were telling me and I knew what I had to do.  Was I always wrong?  Was I just making things up and hearing what I wanted to hear?  Or was I really hearing you and I just confused it all myself.  God I am so lost now.  I was feeling really great that I was learning and growing and communicating with you so much.  But now, I don't know what to think.  Have I been fooling myself?  Have I just been making everything up to myself?

And what about recently . . . God we weren't on the greatest of terms.  Is it ok to sometimes actually hate your ways?  I know this sounds sacrilegious but don't we all at some point?  Perhaps hate is a strong word, but even Jesus didn't like the fact that he had to die on a cross.  Is it ok for me to severely dislike some of the laws of nature and other aspects like that?  Can I dislike the life that we are supposed to live and carry out because we are in a fallen world?  Can I be upset because things aren't perfect?  Is that ok?  God, I do not want to be upset with you or your ways.  I want to be happy and accepting, but right now I just feel so lost and confused.  How can all this be the result of so much seeking and learning?  How can so many things have changed in so little time.  All that I once loved is changing or gone completely.  God I know that we often face tests and trials but what is this?

Even now though Lord, I am humbled.  I am almost ashamed to believe that earlier today I was so upset with you and the way things were currently going in my life.  I was so angry because of the problems I was having and was becoming bitter towards everything.  But God, you humbled me showing me that my problems should be considered nothing when compared to what some other people are going through.  Yes my problems were real, yes my problems were shared by many, but my problems were more or less temporary.  God people are struggling with death and the loss of loved ones and friends.  I have lost a dear relationship, but no life has been lost.  God I can't imagine what these people are going through.  I am now ashamed to think that my problems were so "big" that I was hating your created world.

I am still lost Lord and confused beyond belief, but there are more important things that I need to pray for right now.  God you brought my sister back home from Florida but she has yet to change.  So there is that.  I know people who are dealing with a lost life of a friend and family member.  So theres that.  The issues in my life over the past few weeks are important God, but the issues of yesterday are so stupid and trivial compared to what other people are dealing with.

God I pray that you be with those closest to me that need comfort, rest, encouragement and just a relaxing presence from you.  But God I need some answers.  The biggest problem with needing answers is the fact that I thought I was getting some.  I thought I knew how to hear you, I thought I knew how to listen, but it is seeming like I was wrong.  What I heard from you was apparently wrong in a number of things in my life.  So I guess the first thing that needs to happen is change in me.  Change me to be able to hear what you are actually saying God.  I thought that you were being very clear to me and I thought that I had been seeing things that were for you and from you but I guess that I was sadly wrong.  God I really just don't know what to think or do right now.  Where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to do?  Clearly, I am still wrestling with you, despite having thought I was around that.

Amen.

A Ridiculous Realization

So there I was today working my third day of work since we've been open full time.  I am a river guide, meaning that I am supposed to spend my time on the river... guiding people -- go figure.  But instead, today I was more of a surfer, but not your traditional water surfer.  Instead, I spent three hours on top of a bus cutting down tree limbs.

We put the tubes for the customers on top of the bus and its really rather convenient until they get hit by a few thousand trees daily.  Thus, my job was to work with two other guys clearing a path for a bunch of inflated pvc.  I somehow was placed on top of the bus with a pair of clippers, while one guy drove me around, and the third grabbed what I cut and drug it into the woods.  This was ridiculously fun for about 10 minutes, then was just work for another 2.5 hours.  However, somewhere in the last 20 minutes I realized that I was completely exhausted.  My hands were cut raw from using clippers, my body was cut up from a bunch of tree limbs and bitten by God only knows what bugs and arachnids he created there.  Not too mention that I frequently bashed my knees while trying to avoid falling of the bus.  So yea, that was my day today.  In all reality is wasn't that bad, I just wanted to make it sound cool.  Anyway, none of this had anything to do with my realization.

I started this blog with the realization that I wanted more in my life.  I wanted to grow closer to God.  As a matter of fact, I wanted to grow so close to God that I was in fact a glowing radiant person.  I understand that the Bible has only mentioned two people that were ever glowing, and one of them was Jesus.  However, I have heard this expression used to describe people.  Anyway, while I was on the roof of a bus destroying nature for 3 hours, I had a lot of time to think.  I didn't really spend much time on this thought but it was interesting.  The name of my blog is Desperate to Glow.  It's relatively self explanatory.  I had a plan when I started that I wanted to follow but still have yet to enact.  I know that I really do want to be able to glow.  I really am desperate for you.  I think the ridiculous realization came because I had this song stuck in my head.

I want to know you
I want to hear your voice
I want to know you more
I want to touch you
I want to see your face
I want to know you more

This is a great worship song.  But if you really think about the lyrics, they are SERIOUSLY lacking something very important.  Yes, they are saying that you want a lot of things from the Lord, but so what?  You can also want a brand new Subaru WRX STI, or a new boat, but wanting them isn't going to do anything for you.  I can desperately want to glow, but thats not going to make me anything but wanting.  Have you figured out what I am getting at yet?  If you want a new car or boat you are going to have to do something about it.  These luxuries are expensive and will take a considerable amount of time working and saving in order to have them.  Is not glowing in Christ a luxury?  Will it not take as much work to accomplish?  I realized that I am desperate to glow, or grow as close to Christ as possible in a way that I never stop growing closer, but what am I doing about it?  I do not doubt that through writing my blog and my bi-weeekly church events I am growing; I am certainly growing a learning a multitude of good things through these events.  However, I think that in order to glow I should be doing something more daily, or perhaps even more than just daily.  Think about anything that glows.  Maybe one of those stars that you used to have on your ceiling when you were a kid.  They need constant light in order to glow when the lights go out.  Even giving them light once a day would only make them glow for a short while.

In an earlier blog post I mentioned that I learned that God's plan for life are written plain as day in the Bible.  I was incredibly inspire by this realization.  I wanted to read through 1 Thessalonians.  Friends, I have yet to look at Thessalonians.  Just now I realize that I haven't neglected the Bible completely.  I think that I mentioned before that there is a difference between studying, meditating, and reading.  I still want to make a more in depth blog on that topic in the future.  The point is, I have always been really good at studying God's word, and especially right now.  I think I am even doing ok meditating, but when it comes to reading I am epically failing.  This is something I still need to work on.

All in all, I realized there is much more to glowing (or growing) that just being desperate for it.  There is much more to God than wanting him.  God is very happy when we are wanting him and desperate for him, however, he is not satisfied.  We need to turn this desire into action.  I need to find a way to actively grow beyond the desire.  I need to be active to glow, I need to be moving to glow, and I need to be sprinting on eagles wings to glow!

My challenge to you this time is to think about this in yourself.  Do you know for a fact that in your core person you are desperate for God?  When you are singing worship songs you feel the spirit moving in you and you want it.  You KNOW that you WANT God... you are DESPERATE for HIM.  However, I want you to think, is this where it ends for you?  Are you stuck at wanting and desiring without attempt and action?  How can we expect to become more like Christ when all we are is wanting to be like Christ?  Jesus never just wanted to be more like his father, he never stopped working to become like his father.  A day never went by that Jesus wasn't living to become more like the Father.  Jesus is the perfect example of turning want and desire to action.  Are you doing the same? Or have you been measured, weighed, and found wanting?

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
-Zachary Haas

Dear God

I know that we are not really supposed to ask why. But I really can't think of anything else to say. Perhaps instead of asking why and putting your immaculate name into question, I'll ask what. God, what are you doing? Has our family still not been through enough? Is there still more that we must go through? What more is there that can happen?

God, 6-8 years ago our father was injured an unable to work for years. We struggled and fought the court rooms. We nearly lost everything and were relying on the government, church and friends to get through. Lord, then you blessed us with a court settlement, after we had given up on it and moved on, of 250,000. Were we not respectful with this money and gave 25,000 to the church? We didn't waste the money, unless catching up on years of debt is waste. Is it not against your will to live in debt? So why again God? What is the reason for the recent injury? He loves the job that he is at for once. He is able to be home and make a reasonable income. Now we are struggling beyond belief and making sacrifices. First was cable, next is internet and cell phones. God I understand that these are not necessities for the most part, and that we can live without them but this is only the start. If only money were the issue things would be bad, but not so bad. And still God we are trying to keep out faith in you.

Lord, the situation with my sister is unfathomable. It is depressing enough to imagine a 16 year old girl raising a baby in this day and age. But now she thinks that she has everything figured out. She is moving away to the opposite side of the country to live with her “boyfriend” who probably couldn't care less about her in reality. The poor baby is going with them and is going to have to live in that situation. Gd this is producing so much stress, mixed with the lack of income. And still we are trying to keep our faith in you.

God the biggest thing now is the small stuff. Are not the big things enough to test us? Have we not already been tested enough? We are at risk of losing the house if Dad doesn't go back to work soon. I saw my parents growing closer through the pool. They were really enjoying themselves and swimming near daily. This was not only something fun for them but healthy. Now it has a crack in it a leaking. What was this for? Then, one of the cars gets a cracked windshield and the other an oil leak. What are these for? How much more faith do we need to show? How much more testing can we take?

God my mom is stressed beyond belief. And I think that my Dad is close to it, though he is better at hiding it. They are nearing desperation. God I personally am doing all right. But then again, my life is mostly good. I have the scholarships I need, the grades are fine, and I have an amazing girlfriend that brings me joy despite being in Spain. But I worry about my parents. They are struggling and are starting to do things just to make it to the next day without near insanity. These mild joys and entertainments cannot sustain them long. God, my family is falling apart around me and there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can do but continue to pray to you. But why have you fallen silent on our household? How can I find answers from you in other parts of my life while my own families house falls apart? God, please show us what you are doing. Show us your power, your will and your reason. I honestly don't know how much more our family can take. We are a broken people who have nothing left but you or hopelessness. Lord God, please save us from certain hopelessness. We are desperate to make it with you, let alone glow through you.

Your friend, brother, and servant Lord,

-Zachary Haas

P.S. Please pray passionately for my family. These trials are tremendous and are becoming more difficult nearly hourly. Thank you.

Being a Friend and Having Friends

This may sound completely ridiculous, but I struggle with having friends. It's not that I am not a good friend or do not have friends, it's that I struggle to accept them. I am not sure why I struggle with this. Perhaps it is just a general distrust for people, but I honestly don't know exactly what it is. It's not that I struggle to open up with people, nor do I struggle with letting people open up to me. As a matter of fact, there may be a number of people that consider me a very close friend. For some reason, I don't really think of many people as very close friends. I guess I view friendships as fragile. I have people that I like to hang out with, and like to do things with, and I call them friends. However, part of me still keeps everyone at a distance and doesn't allow me to be close. Some of it may come from my past experience with friends. When I think about high school I remember hundreds of people. Many of them I used to hand out with and talk to frequently. However now, I can count the number of them on two hands, and the ones I talk to while at college, on one. Perhaps part of it also comes from the fact that my parents have had very few friends that I have seen. For the most part they hang out with each other and the rest of our family. I think that I have sorta grown to few life like this. Friends are great until you graduate and move on. Then there are a couple that you see once in a great while, but for the most part you live with you family and take care of them. However, I do no think this is how God wants me to be or how he intended it.

Friends are important. Very important. I have come to realize this more recently. I have never really had someone that I would call a best friend. At least not for most of my life. The closest thing that I had was a buddy that I hung out with all the time and did things with. Yes, we may have connected on a more intimate level than the rest of the people that I knew, but there was still something missing. I don't know that I have ever had that person that I could just share things with and just go to whenever I needed something. (The “buddy” that I had I would certainly not go to now with anything I am dealing with as we have grown apart over the years. We still hang out a lot but it's just different. Perhaps this is my fault. Or perhaps we are just different spiritually) Until recently. There is someone that I now consider close enough to me to call a best friend. Of course, this best friend also happens to be in Spain right now and will be going to Oxford following that. This certainly puts a damper on a friendship. I will not truly experience this loss until I return back to IWU in the fall. It will be then that I realize exactly how much I am missing. This person has done everything with me for 2 years. I have always had someone to turn to with anything no matter how strange and ridiculous it was. I have always had this person to invite to things and who generally followed. Now this friend is going to go from having a major role in my life to a relatively minor role. For now, I cannot wait for the return of this friend in January, but I am certainly missing them now. Yes yes yes, this is a little sappy and sad and depressing but that's not the point. The point is that this person has taught me the value of friendship and the important role that it plays in everyone's lives. And no, the moral of this is not going to be “Jesus is that perfect friend that is always there no matter what. He will never leave or grow tired.” Though, this is a very important factor that should not be undervalued!

I also do not want to make it sound like there is no one that is important to me or no one that I care about. I care about many of you, why else would I go through the effort of showing you this side of me? “I don't care about half of you half as well as I should like, and I care about less than half of you half as well as you deserve.” Notice the modified quote from Bilbo Baggins. I realize this is a significant problem, and I am deeply apologetic. It grieves me to think that I just don't care about people and friendships because in my opinion they will all disappear in just one more year. At this point I have even confused myself. I think the point is, that I don't let myself become to attached to a person because it almost seems pointless to me. I often feel that I do no need close friends in my life and that just normal friends are good enough and are a dime a dozen. Again, I do not wish to sound as if I do not care about any of you or any of my friendships, and again I do not think this is how God wants or intends it to be.

So what does God say about friendships? Let's take a look. Deuteronomy 23:6 “Do not seek a treaty of friendship with them as long as you live.” Well, I guess that says that. God says not to make friendships as long as I live. See ya. Ok, just kidding. This is a perfect example of taking the Bible out of context. But I found it mildly humorous when I search the Bible for friend. 1 Samuel 20:41-42 “After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together—but David wept the most. Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, 'The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.' " Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town.”

Wow. Remember Jonathan? He was the king's son, heir to the thrown. Remember David? God said he would be king. Something is wrong with this picture. Jonathan should hate David. Instead, we see a deep friendship, that cannot even be separated by Jonathan's father. They have sworn their friendship to the Lord. This kind of support should be envied by any Christian. Provers 18:24 “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” A friend who is closer than a brother? The Bible says that even when ruin comes upon us we will not be alone if we have friends. Remember Daniel? He and his friends were able to teach things to the king. If he were alone, one man, would he have had the same kind of power? Is not a number of people doing one thing more threatening than one man?

After having done a more thorough search through the Bible, I realize that it speaks more against friends than for friends. The Bible repeatedly reminds us that friends on earth will lead to destruction, that friends cannot be trusted and even friends and brothers will deceive us. However does this really mean that we should not have friends? Should we really go through the world alone? Certainly not! Jesus himself had many friends. He called them disciples yes, but he also promised them that they would do greater things than he! Jesus taught them, walked with them, talked with them, shared his food with them and healed them. Certainly these were true friends. In the end, I am sure non of the disciples (save Judas) would have considered Jesus anything less than the best friend they have ever had. I have already talked about in an earlier post about how I view my relationship with God as a friendship. Clearly, there is something to be said about friendships. After all, Paul addresses nearly everyone as “dear friends.”

For me, it is so much easier to be a friend than it is to take a friend. I can provide all the greatest friend qualities in the world but I have a hard time accepting them. For some reason I tend to not connect with people as closely as they connect to me. This will be something that I will be praying about. It is not impossible for me to connect with people on a more intimate basis, as I have with that one person. (Ok, yes it helps that she is my girlfriend that I care about very much in different regards, but she also maintains all the qualities of what I think a best friend should be) I love being all of your friends. I have no problem putting myself and going out of my way. I think that the real problem is that I have trouble needing all of you. I believe the Bible says that we need communion and fellowship. I also believe that this is to be at a level beyond just hanging out and doing things together. Nothing special needs to happen, but there should be a more intimate connection with people. A soul connection even. This is something that I can't say I allow myself to have with very many people. But I promise to work at it. Even if we never see each other again after college that doesn't mean that we lose our benefit as friends. Again, I apologize for holding you all at a distance, I will try to allow myself to become more intimate so that we may provide each other more mutual benefit. We are not in this thing called life alone, no matter what my insecurities are telling me. I do care about you all, do not get me wrong. And I do value our friendship. I just want to be able to allow myself to let you closer. To let you connect with me more intimately. Friendships are important. They are important to us no matter what stage in life we are at. We all need someone to go to. And let's face it, our spouses, bf's and gf's, mothers and fathers, cannot always be everything we need. We need... I need to be able to allow myself the benefit of having intimate friendships with people that I can trust and go to in a time of need. I provide you all with myself, but I need to focus more on learning to provide you all with myself. Thank you all, and I apologize for my occasional lack of trust, faith, and security with you. I pray that you forgive me for this, and that you pray that I am able to accept the friendships that I need in order to grow closer to God. Pray that I find friendships with you that help me to glow, and that help me to grow.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ.

-Zachary Haas