Dear God 2

Dear God,

I don't even know where to start.  So many things have happened.  So many things have changed.  That which was once clear is now so dark and empty.  God what happened?  I thought that I had things figured out?  I thought that I was learning and growing.  More importantly, I thought that I was actually hearing you.  I thought I knew what you were telling me and I knew what I had to do.  Was I always wrong?  Was I just making things up and hearing what I wanted to hear?  Or was I really hearing you and I just confused it all myself.  God I am so lost now.  I was feeling really great that I was learning and growing and communicating with you so much.  But now, I don't know what to think.  Have I been fooling myself?  Have I just been making everything up to myself?

And what about recently . . . God we weren't on the greatest of terms.  Is it ok to sometimes actually hate your ways?  I know this sounds sacrilegious but don't we all at some point?  Perhaps hate is a strong word, but even Jesus didn't like the fact that he had to die on a cross.  Is it ok for me to severely dislike some of the laws of nature and other aspects like that?  Can I dislike the life that we are supposed to live and carry out because we are in a fallen world?  Can I be upset because things aren't perfect?  Is that ok?  God, I do not want to be upset with you or your ways.  I want to be happy and accepting, but right now I just feel so lost and confused.  How can all this be the result of so much seeking and learning?  How can so many things have changed in so little time.  All that I once loved is changing or gone completely.  God I know that we often face tests and trials but what is this?

Even now though Lord, I am humbled.  I am almost ashamed to believe that earlier today I was so upset with you and the way things were currently going in my life.  I was so angry because of the problems I was having and was becoming bitter towards everything.  But God, you humbled me showing me that my problems should be considered nothing when compared to what some other people are going through.  Yes my problems were real, yes my problems were shared by many, but my problems were more or less temporary.  God people are struggling with death and the loss of loved ones and friends.  I have lost a dear relationship, but no life has been lost.  God I can't imagine what these people are going through.  I am now ashamed to think that my problems were so "big" that I was hating your created world.

I am still lost Lord and confused beyond belief, but there are more important things that I need to pray for right now.  God you brought my sister back home from Florida but she has yet to change.  So there is that.  I know people who are dealing with a lost life of a friend and family member.  So theres that.  The issues in my life over the past few weeks are important God, but the issues of yesterday are so stupid and trivial compared to what other people are dealing with.

God I pray that you be with those closest to me that need comfort, rest, encouragement and just a relaxing presence from you.  But God I need some answers.  The biggest problem with needing answers is the fact that I thought I was getting some.  I thought I knew how to hear you, I thought I knew how to listen, but it is seeming like I was wrong.  What I heard from you was apparently wrong in a number of things in my life.  So I guess the first thing that needs to happen is change in me.  Change me to be able to hear what you are actually saying God.  I thought that you were being very clear to me and I thought that I had been seeing things that were for you and from you but I guess that I was sadly wrong.  God I really just don't know what to think or do right now.  Where am I supposed to go, what am I supposed to do?  Clearly, I am still wrestling with you, despite having thought I was around that.

Amen.