So where now?

For anyone that was slightly concerned after my last post, let me explain that life has slowed downed a little -- sorta.  At least I am able to get to a place in my head that isn't quite as "upset" with God.  You can probably use any version of upset you want.

Allow me to be real for a moment.  In the past month I have been very angry with God.  Angry to the point where I would use the word livid.  I wonder (and am fairly certain) if others have ever been that upset with God.  If we are honest with ourselves, how many of us have been so angry with God we didn't know what to do or think?  I can honestly say that I was so angry with God I would have yelled at Him in the face.  I know there are times in the Bible where people have complained to God and argued and debated with God, but I can't recall at any point someone actually yelling at God out of anger and frustration.  Point being, I am sure I am not the only one who has been furious with God.

Heres an interesting thing about me though, that almost causes me to believe in the once saved almost saved principle.  I think that I may be blessed with the spiritual gift of faith, or at least belief.  There is nothing that can happen in my life that will ever cause me to doubt that God exists and that he is there.  Not even being so angry that I would have probably gotten into a fist fight with Him.  (Interestingly enough, Jacob did in fact wrestle with God in some kind of physical manner).  No, I have never been able to convince myself that God is not real and that God is not there.  To some people this might sound like an amazing thing to have such faith.  However, let me re-inform everyone that Satan himself and all demons have COMPLETELY unshakable belief that God exists.  Yes, at times it is great to have faith in God in all circumstances no matter what, but let me tell you it is the exact opposite when you are angry with God.  Having unshakable belief that God can do anything in His all powerful awesomeness only feeds anger when you are pleading with Him for direction.  Thus when I am trying to figure out what God is doing and why in my life during the hard times, this faith can actually be difficult to work with.

That said, I have managed to work through at least some of the issues I was dealing with at the time of my last post.  I still don't have nearly everything answered, and actually have a few new interesting questions to think about, but none of which are as stressful as the ones of the past.  One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is not knowing how to do something.  Generally this applies to school work and academia.  I'm not talking about things that I can learn, I am talking about things that I can't figure out no matter how many hours I spend on them.  Things like this are the most discouraging, frustrating things that I ever deal with in life.  Not knowing how to do things brings me down to a level that nothing else can.  Not making progress on something after a long time depresses me in unimaginable ways.  This is what was weighing me down at my last post.

As I mentioned, I have moved on from the last post.  However, now I find myself and a new and curios life position.  Recently I had to register for classes, which of course is never easy of fun.  Well, this time I wanted to take a class in a major that I wasn't a part of and ended up having to talk to the chair of the department -- a Dr. Steve Lennox.  During our brief conversation I was able to finally talk to someone who would listen to what I might want to do with my life, and have the ability to respond in a useful way.  But I was challenged with something completely new.  I told him that the reason I wanted to take the class was because I was thinking of maybe coming back to get a minor in youth ministry.  To my surprise he asked me why I would "waste" my time doing that -- when I could just go to seminary and get a masters!  I told him that I thought you had to have a degree in ministry to do that he said no, all you need is a bachelors degree in anything.  Most of my mature(er) thinking life I have questioned the idea of working in a youth group in some form.  Unknown to probably anyone, this is actually part of the reason I came  to IWU.  I considered majoring in Youth Ministries in the first place, but felt as though God was telling me that I was allowed to make a decision and trust that He would be with me no matter what.  (This is something else I was seriously struggling with last post when I was hating my major classes).  I have never wanted to make Youth Pastoring my career.  I wanted to do it voluntarily as my ministry to God.  This obviously meant that I needed to make money somehow, and thats where Computer Science came in.  I don't know if a day has gone by that I have wondered if I made the right decision but I was trusting God.  Some people seem to have a problem with my aspirations.  They say things like you can't work in a ministry and not make it your full time career.  These people are naive and need to grow up, get a life, and leave their little bubble because you have a HUGE chunk of reality coming your way.  I know plenty of people that have become ministry leaders with NO training.  As a matter of fact, one of my life role models was my first youth pastor who had no real training in doing what he did.  Also, plenty of small churches do not hire people to work in their ministry and run solely on volunteers.

Anyway, after that little rant, what I am getting at is that I am at a very interesting point in my life.  I graduate in one semester and there are another number of roads to take.  Dr. Lennox told me that the question I need to think about now is whether or not I am called to youth ministry because if I am then nothing else will suffice, but if I am not then it will not work out.  I will have to commit a lot of prayer to this for sure.  Going to seminary was never something that I seriously thought about, but when he brought it up I couldn't help but become curious.  I could still come back and just get a minor in youth ministries as well, but he said that would actually be more expensive.  These are a couple of new things in my life that I need to think about for sure.  I know right now, the Youth Ministry class I am in right now, Youth Evangelism and Discipleship, has been one of my favorite, most inspiring, and motivating classes I have ever taken at college.  I can't help but think that this might mean something as well.

So, if you read all this I think that you should pray that God makes clear what the steps are that I should take.  I will be praying about this a lot.  Choosing to pursue ministry will mean a lot of changes in my life and will change probably a lot of my friendships.  These things are not things that bother me if I am certain God wants me to go there.  I think this decision might be a little bigger than trusting that God will be with me no matter what.  I think this one requires a little direction.  So with that, feel free to pray for me in this issue.  And thanks for reading.

My challenge to you is to pray honestly.  If you truly feel like I'm crazy for thinking that ministry is a direction I should take, then don't pray otherwise.  But if you think that I might be good at something like this, then pray indeed, and feel free to encourage me in this is well, support from others in a call to ministry is a big deal -- Dr. Lennox said that is a good sign, if people think you might be good at it.

Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ,
Zach Haas