This may sound completely ridiculous, but I struggle with having friends. It's not that I am not a good friend or do not have friends, it's that I struggle to accept them. I am not sure why I struggle with this. Perhaps it is just a general distrust for people, but I honestly don't know exactly what it is. It's not that I struggle to open up with people, nor do I struggle with letting people open up to me. As a matter of fact, there may be a number of people that consider me a very close friend. For some reason, I don't really think of many people as very close friends. I guess I view friendships as fragile. I have people that I like to hang out with, and like to do things with, and I call them friends. However, part of me still keeps everyone at a distance and doesn't allow me to be close. Some of it may come from my past experience with friends. When I think about high school I remember hundreds of people. Many of them I used to hand out with and talk to frequently. However now, I can count the number of them on two hands, and the ones I talk to while at college, on one. Perhaps part of it also comes from the fact that my parents have had very few friends that I have seen. For the most part they hang out with each other and the rest of our family. I think that I have sorta grown to few life like this. Friends are great until you graduate and move on. Then there are a couple that you see once in a great while, but for the most part you live with you family and take care of them. However, I do no think this is how God wants me to be or how he intended it.
Friends are important. Very important. I have come to realize this more recently. I have never really had someone that I would call a best friend. At least not for most of my life. The closest thing that I had was a buddy that I hung out with all the time and did things with. Yes, we may have connected on a more intimate level than the rest of the people that I knew, but there was still something missing. I don't know that I have ever had that person that I could just share things with and just go to whenever I needed something. (The “buddy” that I had I would certainly not go to now with anything I am dealing with as we have grown apart over the years. We still hang out a lot but it's just different. Perhaps this is my fault. Or perhaps we are just different spiritually) Until recently. There is someone that I now consider close enough to me to call a best friend. Of course, this best friend also happens to be in Spain right now and will be going to Oxford following that. This certainly puts a damper on a friendship. I will not truly experience this loss until I return back to IWU in the fall. It will be then that I realize exactly how much I am missing. This person has done everything with me for 2 years. I have always had someone to turn to with anything no matter how strange and ridiculous it was. I have always had this person to invite to things and who generally followed. Now this friend is going to go from having a major role in my life to a relatively minor role. For now, I cannot wait for the return of this friend in January, but I am certainly missing them now. Yes yes yes, this is a little sappy and sad and depressing but that's not the point. The point is that this person has taught me the value of friendship and the important role that it plays in everyone's lives. And no, the moral of this is not going to be “Jesus is that perfect friend that is always there no matter what. He will never leave or grow tired.” Though, this is a very important factor that should not be undervalued!
I also do not want to make it sound like there is no one that is important to me or no one that I care about. I care about many of you, why else would I go through the effort of showing you this side of me? “I don't care about half of you half as well as I should like, and I care about less than half of you half as well as you deserve.” Notice the modified quote from Bilbo Baggins. I realize this is a significant problem, and I am deeply apologetic. It grieves me to think that I just don't care about people and friendships because in my opinion they will all disappear in just one more year. At this point I have even confused myself. I think the point is, that I don't let myself become to attached to a person because it almost seems pointless to me. I often feel that I do no need close friends in my life and that just normal friends are good enough and are a dime a dozen. Again, I do not wish to sound as if I do not care about any of you or any of my friendships, and again I do not think this is how God wants or intends it to be.
So what does God say about friendships? Let's take a look. Deuteronomy 23:6 “Do not seek a treaty of friendship with them as long as you live.” Well, I guess that says that. God says not to make friendships as long as I live. See ya. Ok, just kidding. This is a perfect example of taking the Bible out of context. But I found it mildly humorous when I search the Bible for friend. 1 Samuel 20:41-42 “After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together—but David wept the most. Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, 'The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.' " Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town.”
Wow. Remember Jonathan? He was the king's son, heir to the thrown. Remember David? God said he would be king. Something is wrong with this picture. Jonathan should hate David. Instead, we see a deep friendship, that cannot even be separated by Jonathan's father. They have sworn their friendship to the Lord. This kind of support should be envied by any Christian. Provers 18:24 “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” A friend who is closer than a brother? The Bible says that even when ruin comes upon us we will not be alone if we have friends. Remember Daniel? He and his friends were able to teach things to the king. If he were alone, one man, would he have had the same kind of power? Is not a number of people doing one thing more threatening than one man?
After having done a more thorough search through the Bible, I realize that it speaks more against friends than for friends. The Bible repeatedly reminds us that friends on earth will lead to destruction, that friends cannot be trusted and even friends and brothers will deceive us. However does this really mean that we should not have friends? Should we really go through the world alone? Certainly not! Jesus himself had many friends. He called them disciples yes, but he also promised them that they would do greater things than he! Jesus taught them, walked with them, talked with them, shared his food with them and healed them. Certainly these were true friends. In the end, I am sure non of the disciples (save Judas) would have considered Jesus anything less than the best friend they have ever had. I have already talked about in an earlier post about how I view my relationship with God as a friendship. Clearly, there is something to be said about friendships. After all, Paul addresses nearly everyone as “dear friends.”
For me, it is so much easier to be a friend than it is to take a friend. I can provide all the greatest friend qualities in the world but I have a hard time accepting them. For some reason I tend to not connect with people as closely as they connect to me. This will be something that I will be praying about. It is not impossible for me to connect with people on a more intimate basis, as I have with that one person. (Ok, yes it helps that she is my girlfriend that I care about very much in different regards, but she also maintains all the qualities of what I think a best friend should be) I love being all of your friends. I have no problem putting myself and going out of my way. I think that the real problem is that I have trouble needing all of you. I believe the Bible says that we need communion and fellowship. I also believe that this is to be at a level beyond just hanging out and doing things together. Nothing special needs to happen, but there should be a more intimate connection with people. A soul connection even. This is something that I can't say I allow myself to have with very many people. But I promise to work at it. Even if we never see each other again after college that doesn't mean that we lose our benefit as friends. Again, I apologize for holding you all at a distance, I will try to allow myself to become more intimate so that we may provide each other more mutual benefit. We are not in this thing called life alone, no matter what my insecurities are telling me. I do care about you all, do not get me wrong. And I do value our friendship. I just want to be able to allow myself to let you closer. To let you connect with me more intimately. Friendships are important. They are important to us no matter what stage in life we are at. We all need someone to go to. And let's face it, our spouses, bf's and gf's, mothers and fathers, cannot always be everything we need. We need... I need to be able to allow myself the benefit of having intimate friendships with people that I can trust and go to in a time of need. I provide you all with myself, but I need to focus more on learning to provide you all with myself. Thank you all, and I apologize for my occasional lack of trust, faith, and security with you. I pray that you forgive me for this, and that you pray that I am able to accept the friendships that I need in order to grow closer to God. Pray that I find friendships with you that help me to glow, and that help me to grow.
Your friend, brother, and companion in Christ.
-Zachary Haas
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